| Chapter 6 |
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They had arranged to meet for lunch in the atrium at the Hyatt Regency Hotel. Riding
the escalator up, David scanned the expansive area, several stories of sunny space
bustling with hotel guests and people going to business meetings. Much like an indoor
park, there were fountains and a number of landscaped seating areas; an upbeat
eatery, situated along the south wall, featured salads and desserts displayed on well-lit,
tastefully arranged islands. David spotted James across the way, seated in an
armchair by a potted tree.
He felt a sudden joy, a sort of redefined awareness. David had not anticipated the
sense of elation by simply seeing him today. His approach slowed. The image of the
man he knew intimately not only entered his eyes, but also his heart.
David approached quietly and took the chair next to him.
James spoke first. “Feels strange, doesn’t it?”
“What?”
“Seeing each other after…”
“Yeah.”
“You’re looking at me funny. What are you thinking?”
“I’m wondering if I’m going to feel weak-kneed every time I see you now.”
“I’m drunk on it, David. I’m still trying to get used to feeling different. I’m not the same
man I was the day before yesterday.” James looked down at the floor and shook his
head as if he had yet to come to grips with the significance of his and David’s
relationship. “Trucking along all these years, believing I could go through life
pretending. Don’t even remember how I thought that was possible. We’ve gotten into
something that has a lot of power.”
“Jesus. We’re both pitiful. ...We’re fortunate though. Could’ve ended up getting
caught sneaking out of a bathhouse or something.”
“It’s not that simple.”
David looked at him. “What do you mean?”
“Yesterday you said it’s more than just sex. And you were right. If it had been a slip-up
with some guy, you know, something that just happened, I would’ve felt guilty for a week
or so and figured I got it out of my system. It happened with you. I thought about it most
of the night. I knew I was attracted to you, but it’s more than that. I realized it when we
were in that room together.”
David looked at him for a moment, at a loss for words. He knew what James was
talking about and he felt it, too. They weren’t just best friends anymore—they were
male lovers. The impact of hearing it confirmed was overwhelming.
“That’s why I was in such hurry to leave for California that day. I was scared.”
“Why?”
“For one thing, I thought you might end up with someone else. That would’ve been hard
to face.”
David thought about the agony he had gone through that week, wishing he had known
all of this then. He stared across the atrium as they sat quietly for a moment. A lot of
power. Yes—a lot more than just sex.
David turned his head, curious. “So how’d it go when you got home last night?”
“Better than I thought.” James clasped his hands together behind his head and leaned
back. “Shasha spent most of the evening in the kitchen gossiping with her mother.
That was a relief. I couldn’t have focused on anything they were talking about. I sat in
the den, pretending to read a contract, thinking about you in the shower. Woke up this
morning in a strange mood. It was like after all these years my life has finally come full
circle.”
David’s gaze drifted as the emotional memory of the two of them in the shower
captured his mind. Yes, their lives had come full circle. The all-consuming emptiness
was behind them. He looked back at James. “No guilt?”
“Yeah. I can’t look at her without feeling guilty. That’s gonna be tough.”
David nodded. “Any second thoughts?”
“Are you kidding? Tried to finish that contract this morning. Couldn’t remember a
damn thing I read. Does that sound like second thoughts?”
“I can’t focus on anything either.”
“Just make sure you don’t get run over crossing the street.”
David adjusted his seating position. “Damn, James, you’re turning me into a horny
teenager.”
James glanced up at the rooms overlooking the atrium. “Well, we are in a hotel.”
David sighed. He waited while a small group of businessmen passed and then looked
at James. “Tempting, but I have some business I can’t get out of this afternoon. Don’t
want to end up trying to explain to Linda why I’ve missed another meeting.”
“Get any sleep last night?” James asked.
“Not much. Stared at the ceiling most of the night. Thought about how we might
arrange some time together in the future; that is until Linda rolled over next to me. Your
wife’s body heat has a way of changing what you’re thinking about.”
James had also thought about how they might arrange more time together. He could
easily plan an occasional afternoon rendezvous, but that meant unexplained
disappearances during business hours. Evenings would be more difficult—both of
their wives were accustomed to having them at home. Getting together at night
involved a never-ending web of lies that could very well trip them up.
“Did you come up anything?”
“Just a thought,” said David. “In the middle of the night. What would you think about a
poker game?”
James’s head tilted with an inquisitive smile. “A poker game?”
“Yeah. Could be perfect. We set up a game. Maybe on Thursday nights. Get five
guys together. Five married men with something in common. We form a secret pact
and make sure all of the personal psychology is in sync. One night a week we all get
out of the house without raising suspicion.”
James looked at him curiously for a moment. “I’m not sure I follow. There’s you and
me—where do the other three come from? Are you talking about letting others in on
our secret?” Right away he had misgivings. He felt antsy. The risks he was already
taking were near overwhelming—why complicate matters with circumstances that
could spin out of control? Yet there was something about the idea that hit a favorable
note, perhaps because of his lifelong sense of isolation. The thought of belonging to a
small group of like-minded men appealed to him, though how could it be anything more
than a fantasy? The likelihood of finding three more bisexual married men seemed
impossible.
Somewhere in the quiet labors of David’s conscious, he too had some doubts; though
near the end of this endeavor lie what seemed to him a pot of gold. Men like him, and
James. Friendships with such men. Men who could get together and talk openly, be
themselves, even celebrate their sexuality. A small brotherhood like this, second only
to being accepted by James, would validate him.”
“I haven’t given it all that much thought,” David explained. “Just the concept.”
“I get the concept. Our wives wouldn’t think twice about a Thursday night poker game.
We could be together one night a week without inventing a reason to leave the house.
The rest sounds a little complicated. Are you thinking we’d be involved with them
sexually?”
David looked across the atrium in thought. The idea had occurred to him as a way to
spend time with James. He had not considered the prospect of sexual encounters with
other men. In thinking about it now, that possibility seemed remote, mainly because he
rarely met a man he found sexually attractive. “I haven’t thought about that. I see it as a
way to avoid suspicion.” David paused, ran his hand down the back of his head.
“Guess I’m intrigued by it. We’ve both felt alone for a long time, pretending, going
crazy. Maybe it’d be nice to have a few like-minded friends. Guys we can be open
with, get together one night a week, have a couple of beers and talk.” He looked at
James. “We spend a little time with them, then you and I have the rest of the night in a
room.”
James pondered the idea for a moment, wondering just how many happily married
bisexual men were out there. Perhaps more than he ever imagined. Even so, the
challenge of finding them seemed formidable; though an opportunity to get to know
other like-minded men did have appeal. “You’re talking about a small fraternity,” he
said. “Gotta admit, it's intriguing. A poker game would be a good front, but how do we
pull it off?”
David was looking around the atrium. He seemed distracted. “There must be a
hundred or more men in here.”
James glanced around. “At least.”
“Ever wonder how many are like us?”
James glanced around again. It was a business environment. There were men of
every description, preoccupied with their own affairs, engaged in conversations,
walking purposefully with secretaries and associates to meetings. “Yeah, I have. We’ll
never know, will we?”
“No.”
“This poker game. How would we pull it off?”
David thoughts returned to matters at hand. “A discreet ad in the personals might
work. Happily married? Glad of it? Something missing? Interested middle-age,
financially secure men to form a small social group to meet once a week. Mail reply
to ...word it something like that. If we get some replies, we arrange interviews with
those who seem compatible. We tell them we want to create a small group of men who
agree to a few ground rules: must have a solid marriage, discretion, stuff like that. If it
works, we get together once a week and see what develops.”
“And the rest of the world sees a poker game on Thursday nights.”
“That’s right. So what do you think?”
James had reservations. Exactly why, he wasn’t sure. Clearly, it sounded like one of
David’s more offbeat ideas. But then, over the years, he had seen some of David’s
strangest ideas blossom into rainbows. “Interesting,” he said. “Insane, but interesting.”
“Think we should consider it?”
“See any downside?”
David thrust his feet outward and crossed his ankles. “Afraid so. If you mean besides
guilt. It’s possible, maybe even probable we could spend a lot of time on this and not
find anyone we’re compatible with. Then again, it might be worth a try. Three poker
buddies. If we find them, we’d get to know other men we identify with, plus have a
good reason to leave the house on Thursday nights.”
James gave it a few moments thought. “Well David, you’ve come up with some
inventive schemes, but this tops ‘um all.”
“Think we should try it?”
“I’ll go along,” said James. “But…” He paused, looking for a way to express his
concern. He looked up and his eyes met David’s. “I’m not sure how to say this. Guess
I feel a little possessive. What we have is important to me. It goes beyond a Thursday
night poker game with others involved.”
David smiled and looked at him for a moment, his heart racing. He leaned his head
back against the chair and his gaze drifted upward. “I know,” he said quietly. “I feel like
I’ve seen the view from the world’s highest mountain.”
♦ ♦ ♦
By ten o’clock the following Monday morning, David had already shred several pieces
of paper. He stood up to stretch and walked from his desk to the window. The
construction worker had taken off his shirt in the morning sun.
Young and stupid aren’t ya, buddy? Shame we don’t look like that when we’re old
enough to appreciate it.
Gazing out the window, he was aware of another change. That relentless tension had
left his hands and chest. After all these years he no longer felt that helpless sense of
urgency. He scanned the downtown skyline. His eyes rested on the tower that housed
James’s office, and he wondered if James might be looking out in his direction with the
same peace-of-mind. Unable to focus on anything else, his thoughts all morning had
vacillated between those two hours in the hotel room and their plans to organize a
private fraternity. A few minutes later he returned to his desk and started a new page.
Married? Glad of it? Something missing? Something no one else in your life could
ever understand? Like us, you’re middle age, happily married, financially secure,
not promiscuous, discreet, self-conscious and you would find solace in sharing
mutual friendship in the brotherhood of a small group of men. If so, please write.
You're bio should be as complete as possible.
He leaned back in the chair and reread it. That’s it! He tore off the paper, folded it and
put it in his shirt pocket. After examining the legal pad to make sure no imprint of his
words appeared on the next page, he punched the intercom button. “Janie, call James
Cooper. Let me know if he can make our lunch date at the Hyatt Regency.”
♦ ♦ ♦
They found a secluded spot in the busy atrium to sit down. The several stories high
wall of glass behind them filled the huge space with sun. They were oblivious to the
noise and occasional passerby.
James said: “First time a weekend seemed like a month.”
“Yeah, I know. After all of these years we’ve known each other, all of a sudden I can’t
wait to see you.”
“Same here. I've never looked forward to a Monday before. Sounds corny, but I don’t
give a damn.”
“You and me ... go figure.” David closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I keep
thinking about being in that room with you.”
James’s smile was soft and reminiscent. “The more I think about it, the more it
seemed inevitable.”
“Maybe it was.”
“Glad you had the guts to talk to me about it. I really believe I would’ve found myself lost
in the woods one day.”
“Weird how it affects you. Thought I’d be uptight, but I’m not.”
“Same here. I feel good about the way I am, about us. We’ve been talking to each
other like a couple of smitten teenagers and I’m even okay with that. …So,” James
grinned, “damn the torpedoes.”
David’s gaze shifted across the atrium as he contemplated his sexuality evolving from
a private trauma to cherished gift.
“It makes you nervous, though,” James added.
“Getting caught, you mean?”
“Well, that, and lying to Shasha.” He looked down at the floor as if he had pictured his
wife and felt the guilt of deceiving her.
“Yeah, sometimes being philosophical doesn’t help much. I tell myself it’s apart from
my marriage, just a part of who I am. Then I think about what it’d do to Linda if she
found out.”
James’s eyes drifted over David’s body. “Maybe it won’t be so hard to deal with in
time.”
David remembered the reason for lunch. “You still ready to take a stab at the poker
game?”
“Haven’t thought of a reason why not.”
David nodded, then looked away in thought. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m on the wrong
side of this issue. You feel lonely, like there’s something wrong with you. All my life it
seems I’ve been carrying an invisible weight. No one to talk to I can identify with.” He
paused and glanced across the overhead landings. “Seems odd, busy as I am,
married, constantly around people, and feel lonely at the same time. I think that’s why
getting some guys together appeals to me. Guys like us. Just to spend time with.
Maybe firm up that feeling that it’s okay to be who we are.”
James smiled. “I can understand that. So how do we go about it?”
“Ever read any of those personal ads we were talking about?”
“A few. Run across one of those personal sites on the Internet now and then.”
“Forget the Internet,” David said. “Our business won’t be floating around in
cyberspace.” He unfolded the yellow page. “Read this and tell me what you think.”
A moment later, James nodded and handed back the paper. “Sounds like that nails it.”
“There’s a postal service around the corner from my office. I rented a box on the way to
work this morning. The whole affair will be discreet.” David folded the paper and put it
back in his pocket. “So it sounds okay?”
“The wording certainly narrows the field. It just might work.”
“Who knows? I expect we’ll hear from a few flakes anyway.” David looked around the
atrium. “This would be a good place to meet if we get an interesting reply. You agree?”
James looked around and nodded.
“I’m thinking noon would be the best time to arrange a meeting? If we get a prospect, I’
d like you to be with me.”
“Can we plan them in advance?”
“Sure.”
“Then I’ll be there.” James was thinking about the unpredictable aspects of the poker
game. “Say we find these guys ... have you thought about what their expectations
might be?”
David recognized James’s concern. “You’re thinking they’ll expect to have sex with us.”
“Isn’t that likely?”
“I don’t know. I thought about it some. I wouldn’t mind getting naked with a small group
of guys, maybe do a little experimenting; but not if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
James looked away in thought, feeling a little uneasy. Their eyes met. “I told you I’m
feeling a little possessive.”
David wanted to take his hand, but couldn’t in public. “We’re doing this together.
Nothing could come between you and me. I doubt we’ll actually connect with anyone;
but if we do, let’s take it one step at a time, together.”
“You said something about ground rules. Add HIV tests, just in case.”
“Yeah.” David replied. “There’s a free clinic in Oaklawn. They advertise the service.
It's a hassle, but there’s no choice. If we manage to get five men together, even if we
get to know and trust each other, I agree we all should be tested.”
“Right. Can’t completely trust anyone with a dick.”
David laughed.
“No promiscuity makes sense,” James added.
“That and a vow of secrecy.” David paused in thought. “Well, the kind of a guy we’re
interested in would agree with a few rules. I’ll just be glad to get this preliminary stuff
behind us. I don’t like talking about it as if we’re organizing a group of investors to
build a shopping center.” David noticed a few tables emptying in the dining area. “You
ready for something to eat?”
“Yeah.”
They found a table and ordered turkey sandwiches on croissants. James ordered a
second round of beer when the sandwiches came.
James took a bite, staring at his lover. “Wonder how long it’ll take this fire to die down
a little. I can’t get that image of you in the shower out of my head.” He laughed, as if it
should be absurd that a man have such thoughts. “It’s like I have an urge to talk about
it, like I want to tell you how much I love being with you.”
“And I like hearing it. All those fantasies I’ve had about you over the years. Made me
feel ridiculous. Now we can hardly wait to get in bed together.” David looked at James’
s forearm on the white table cloth. “Think part of it’s because I’m white and you’re
black?”
James glanced at David’s hands. “That’s part of it … yeah. You have to admit, the
contrast is sensuous. I like the way your tan makes your ass look lily white.”
David glanced over him, rubbing his lower lip. “What drives me crazy is the skin
between your legs and under your arms. It’s darker than the rest of your body.
Amazing turn-on.”
“The subtle things have a big impact.”
“Big impact might be an understatement.”
“Who knows what all it involves. I read an article in one of Shasha’s magazines the
other day. Why men are unfaithful. Boiled down to getting off on doing something we’
re not supposed to do.”
“That’s nonsense. It doesn’t apply to us. I’d never risk my marriage for something that
shallow.”
“To me it’s simple,” James surmised. “We finally dug up a bone that’s been buried a
long time, and it’s damn exciting.”
“I think the real mystery is how guys like us can be so attracted to each other, when
most men would run for the hills before admitting something like that.”
“Well, when all’s said and done, do you care?”
“No.”
James glanced at his watch. “Got any appointments after two o’clock tomorrow?”
“I can cancel it. A brick salesman.”
“This hotel okay?”
“I’ll get here a little early and get the room.” David nodded toward the atrium. “I’ll meet
you at the fountain at two.”
James glanced around, then reached under the table to squeeze his lover’s knee.
“Then all I have to do is get a little sleep tonight.”
David’s gaze took on a wistful look.
“What are you thinking?”
“What it would be like to sleep with you. Wake up in the morning, close. Maybe have
the whole day.”
James nodded. “I’ve thought about that myself. Even if our wives went out of town
together, I still have three daughters to take care of.”
“Looks like we won’t be sleeping together.”
“Not anytime soon.” James stood up thinking about their plans. “Then we’re set to go
forward with the poker game?”
“I’ll call in the ad when I get back to the office.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Tim Scott just finished sweeping the brick driveway he had installed. He had collected
a check from the homeowner and had gotten into his battered pickup truck. He looked
at the check for a moment before folding it to put into his shirt pocket. It would hardly
be enough to cover his son’s most recent medical bills. Nevertheless, he and
Rosemary, his wife, needed a morale boost. He planned to take her someplace
special for dinner. Letting his weight rest casually against the seatback, he picked up
the newspaper lying beside him.
Looking for the restaurant reviews, he leafed through the pages and came to a column
that read: Men seeking Men. He glanced at his watch. There was still more than
enough time to get home and get a shower. He cranked the window all the way down
and propped his arm on the sill and began reading a few of the ads. Sometimes their
wording spawned fantasies that he had long since assumed he himself would never
experience. It was the sixth ad down that quickened his pulse.
He lifted his head and stared through the windshield in thought. The T-shirt he had
pulled on before collecting from the homeowner had gotten damp from the late
afternoon summer heat. He pulled the cotton ribbing away from his damp chest,
wondering what kind of man could have written an ad that seemed to be reaching out
to him.
♦ ♦ ♦
A week later, forty-three responses to the ad had accumulated in the post box. James
was in David’s office, vacillating between discouragement and having a good laugh.
“I don’t get it,” said David, glancing from one letter to the next. “I spent two hours writing
that ad. I thought the words were crystal clear. Why some of these guys responded is
beyond me.”
“Maybe they respond to all the ads, hoping for at least one positive reply.”
“Look at this one,” said David, handing James a letter and the picture of a muscular
man posing in a thong, tattoos on each forearm and a forest of hair across the back of
his neck and shoulders.
James lowered his reading glasses. “Let’s see ... he’s five-nine, weighs two-twenty,
thirty-nine years old, was married but divorced, and he makes thirty thousand a year.
Well, at least he’s financially secure.”
“Yeah, if he was living in the seventies. I’d say he read someone else’s ad and
responded to ours by mistake. Here’s one that looks like a form letter, embossed
photo and all.”
“What does he look like?”
“A male prostitute who should have retired long ago.” David continued shuffling
through the letters.
“Any prospects?”
“This pile here.” David had set aside six letters. He handed them across the desk.
James looked them over and shrugged. “Hard to tell. Maybe.”
“Thought I’d send them a reply and arrange a meeting at the Hyatt. Least we can give
it a shot.”
A week later they were back in David’s office, further discouraged.
“When I got to work this morning, one of my colleagues asked me where I disappeared
to yesterday afternoon.” They had spent the afternoon in a room in far north Dallas.
Shasha had called at the most importune moment and James, guilt-stricken by hearing
her voice, felt awkward talking to her.
David rubbed his eyes. “Wish our poker game project wasn’t looking so bleak. We
wasted all that time talking to those guys.”
“A couple of them seemed okay, but you never know. I felt the same way you did. No
connection or something. No chemistry.”
“You get a sense they’re not being honest, like they’re not telling you everything. That
tall guy, Wednesday, I pictured him sitting in a hot tub in a bathhouse sucking guys off.
He seemed likeable enough, but we can’t get involved with someone who’s out there
fooling around.”
“Half their letters seemed misleading,” James added. “Like they were trying to write
what we want to hear.” He had been doubtful going in. Now he was beginning to
believe the idea wasn’t going to work out; though he didn’t mention this to David. “I got
the impression they were just looking for sex.” He looked at the stack of letters on the
desk. “Anything the last couple of days?”
“It’s amazing. I never expected this many replies.” David lifted part of the stack and
glanced at it. “Almost thirty in the last two days. The photographs eliminated half—they
send pictures of their dicks. Most of the others didn’t include photos. We’ve been
approached by everyone from drag queens to Hell’s Angels. Looks like two
prospects.” David looked at the hopeless pile of rejected queries. “Want to read any
of these?”
“Send them through the shredder.”
“This makes me uncomfortable,” David grumbled. “I don’t like sitting in judgment of
these guys.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not sitting in judgment. We’re just looking for guys we
have something in common with. Besides, some of ‘um are jerks. They shouldn’t have
written.”
David picked up one of the two worthwhile letters. “Okay, here’s the first one.
‘Gentleman, I enjoyed your most interesting ad. Though I’ve been happily married
for near twenty years, I also live a life of quiet desperation. I am certain that
companionship with men with whom I would identify would be a godsend. I am a
professor of literature and enjoy staying fit by walking. I like fine food, good wine, and
theater, which Dallas offers in abundance. Please feel free to respond, as I would be
happy to meet with you in a mutually convenient setting. For now, refer to me as
Professor.’ ...It ends with his post box number.”
“Might be worth a try. He sounds a tad stuffy though.”
David picked up the other letter. “I thought so too.” He stared at the second letter for a
moment, then said: “No picture with this one, but it’s interesting. ‘Hello, Never
responded to an ad before. Never read one like yours. Yes, I’m happily married and
have two kids. My family is more important to me than my own life. Problem is, and
it has nothing to do with my wife, but yes again, there is something missing. It’s clear
there’s more to your ad than a solicitation for sex. I almost cried when I read it. Now I
have this crazy notion something wonderful could happen in my life. Shows you how
my mind works, doesn’t it? And I know it would have to be discreet, because my risks
are not inferior to anyone’s. So if you want to know what I look like, or what I like to
eat, you’re going to have to spend a little time meeting me to find out. Write back
and let me know where, and if you do, you can explain what you mean by financially
secure.’ David looked at James. “His name is Tim. He included a post box number.”
“I like that one.”
“Yeah. It sounds even better the second time you read it.”
“Wow.”
“I’ll send them both a letter. Same as last time. Lunch dates an hour apart, a week
from tomorrow. Let them know I’ll be wearing a red shirt. That seemed to work well.
Sound like a good time for you?”
“Sure. They’ll find a way to show up if they’re the guys we’re looking for.”
the escalator up, David scanned the expansive area, several stories of sunny space
bustling with hotel guests and people going to business meetings. Much like an indoor
park, there were fountains and a number of landscaped seating areas; an upbeat
eatery, situated along the south wall, featured salads and desserts displayed on well-lit,
tastefully arranged islands. David spotted James across the way, seated in an
armchair by a potted tree.
He felt a sudden joy, a sort of redefined awareness. David had not anticipated the
sense of elation by simply seeing him today. His approach slowed. The image of the
man he knew intimately not only entered his eyes, but also his heart.
David approached quietly and took the chair next to him.
James spoke first. “Feels strange, doesn’t it?”
“What?”
“Seeing each other after…”
“Yeah.”
“You’re looking at me funny. What are you thinking?”
“I’m wondering if I’m going to feel weak-kneed every time I see you now.”
“I’m drunk on it, David. I’m still trying to get used to feeling different. I’m not the same
man I was the day before yesterday.” James looked down at the floor and shook his
head as if he had yet to come to grips with the significance of his and David’s
relationship. “Trucking along all these years, believing I could go through life
pretending. Don’t even remember how I thought that was possible. We’ve gotten into
something that has a lot of power.”
“Jesus. We’re both pitiful. ...We’re fortunate though. Could’ve ended up getting
caught sneaking out of a bathhouse or something.”
“It’s not that simple.”
David looked at him. “What do you mean?”
“Yesterday you said it’s more than just sex. And you were right. If it had been a slip-up
with some guy, you know, something that just happened, I would’ve felt guilty for a week
or so and figured I got it out of my system. It happened with you. I thought about it most
of the night. I knew I was attracted to you, but it’s more than that. I realized it when we
were in that room together.”
David looked at him for a moment, at a loss for words. He knew what James was
talking about and he felt it, too. They weren’t just best friends anymore—they were
male lovers. The impact of hearing it confirmed was overwhelming.
“That’s why I was in such hurry to leave for California that day. I was scared.”
“Why?”
“For one thing, I thought you might end up with someone else. That would’ve been hard
to face.”
David thought about the agony he had gone through that week, wishing he had known
all of this then. He stared across the atrium as they sat quietly for a moment. A lot of
power. Yes—a lot more than just sex.
David turned his head, curious. “So how’d it go when you got home last night?”
“Better than I thought.” James clasped his hands together behind his head and leaned
back. “Shasha spent most of the evening in the kitchen gossiping with her mother.
That was a relief. I couldn’t have focused on anything they were talking about. I sat in
the den, pretending to read a contract, thinking about you in the shower. Woke up this
morning in a strange mood. It was like after all these years my life has finally come full
circle.”
David’s gaze drifted as the emotional memory of the two of them in the shower
captured his mind. Yes, their lives had come full circle. The all-consuming emptiness
was behind them. He looked back at James. “No guilt?”
“Yeah. I can’t look at her without feeling guilty. That’s gonna be tough.”
David nodded. “Any second thoughts?”
“Are you kidding? Tried to finish that contract this morning. Couldn’t remember a
damn thing I read. Does that sound like second thoughts?”
“I can’t focus on anything either.”
“Just make sure you don’t get run over crossing the street.”
David adjusted his seating position. “Damn, James, you’re turning me into a horny
teenager.”
James glanced up at the rooms overlooking the atrium. “Well, we are in a hotel.”
David sighed. He waited while a small group of businessmen passed and then looked
at James. “Tempting, but I have some business I can’t get out of this afternoon. Don’t
want to end up trying to explain to Linda why I’ve missed another meeting.”
“Get any sleep last night?” James asked.
“Not much. Stared at the ceiling most of the night. Thought about how we might
arrange some time together in the future; that is until Linda rolled over next to me. Your
wife’s body heat has a way of changing what you’re thinking about.”
James had also thought about how they might arrange more time together. He could
easily plan an occasional afternoon rendezvous, but that meant unexplained
disappearances during business hours. Evenings would be more difficult—both of
their wives were accustomed to having them at home. Getting together at night
involved a never-ending web of lies that could very well trip them up.
“Did you come up anything?”
“Just a thought,” said David. “In the middle of the night. What would you think about a
poker game?”
James’s head tilted with an inquisitive smile. “A poker game?”
“Yeah. Could be perfect. We set up a game. Maybe on Thursday nights. Get five
guys together. Five married men with something in common. We form a secret pact
and make sure all of the personal psychology is in sync. One night a week we all get
out of the house without raising suspicion.”
James looked at him curiously for a moment. “I’m not sure I follow. There’s you and
me—where do the other three come from? Are you talking about letting others in on
our secret?” Right away he had misgivings. He felt antsy. The risks he was already
taking were near overwhelming—why complicate matters with circumstances that
could spin out of control? Yet there was something about the idea that hit a favorable
note, perhaps because of his lifelong sense of isolation. The thought of belonging to a
small group of like-minded men appealed to him, though how could it be anything more
than a fantasy? The likelihood of finding three more bisexual married men seemed
impossible.
Somewhere in the quiet labors of David’s conscious, he too had some doubts; though
near the end of this endeavor lie what seemed to him a pot of gold. Men like him, and
James. Friendships with such men. Men who could get together and talk openly, be
themselves, even celebrate their sexuality. A small brotherhood like this, second only
to being accepted by James, would validate him.”
“I haven’t given it all that much thought,” David explained. “Just the concept.”
“I get the concept. Our wives wouldn’t think twice about a Thursday night poker game.
We could be together one night a week without inventing a reason to leave the house.
The rest sounds a little complicated. Are you thinking we’d be involved with them
sexually?”
David looked across the atrium in thought. The idea had occurred to him as a way to
spend time with James. He had not considered the prospect of sexual encounters with
other men. In thinking about it now, that possibility seemed remote, mainly because he
rarely met a man he found sexually attractive. “I haven’t thought about that. I see it as a
way to avoid suspicion.” David paused, ran his hand down the back of his head.
“Guess I’m intrigued by it. We’ve both felt alone for a long time, pretending, going
crazy. Maybe it’d be nice to have a few like-minded friends. Guys we can be open
with, get together one night a week, have a couple of beers and talk.” He looked at
James. “We spend a little time with them, then you and I have the rest of the night in a
room.”
James pondered the idea for a moment, wondering just how many happily married
bisexual men were out there. Perhaps more than he ever imagined. Even so, the
challenge of finding them seemed formidable; though an opportunity to get to know
other like-minded men did have appeal. “You’re talking about a small fraternity,” he
said. “Gotta admit, it's intriguing. A poker game would be a good front, but how do we
pull it off?”
David was looking around the atrium. He seemed distracted. “There must be a
hundred or more men in here.”
James glanced around. “At least.”
“Ever wonder how many are like us?”
James glanced around again. It was a business environment. There were men of
every description, preoccupied with their own affairs, engaged in conversations,
walking purposefully with secretaries and associates to meetings. “Yeah, I have. We’ll
never know, will we?”
“No.”
“This poker game. How would we pull it off?”
David thoughts returned to matters at hand. “A discreet ad in the personals might
work. Happily married? Glad of it? Something missing? Interested middle-age,
financially secure men to form a small social group to meet once a week. Mail reply
to ...word it something like that. If we get some replies, we arrange interviews with
those who seem compatible. We tell them we want to create a small group of men who
agree to a few ground rules: must have a solid marriage, discretion, stuff like that. If it
works, we get together once a week and see what develops.”
“And the rest of the world sees a poker game on Thursday nights.”
“That’s right. So what do you think?”
James had reservations. Exactly why, he wasn’t sure. Clearly, it sounded like one of
David’s more offbeat ideas. But then, over the years, he had seen some of David’s
strangest ideas blossom into rainbows. “Interesting,” he said. “Insane, but interesting.”
“Think we should consider it?”
“See any downside?”
David thrust his feet outward and crossed his ankles. “Afraid so. If you mean besides
guilt. It’s possible, maybe even probable we could spend a lot of time on this and not
find anyone we’re compatible with. Then again, it might be worth a try. Three poker
buddies. If we find them, we’d get to know other men we identify with, plus have a
good reason to leave the house on Thursday nights.”
James gave it a few moments thought. “Well David, you’ve come up with some
inventive schemes, but this tops ‘um all.”
“Think we should try it?”
“I’ll go along,” said James. “But…” He paused, looking for a way to express his
concern. He looked up and his eyes met David’s. “I’m not sure how to say this. Guess
I feel a little possessive. What we have is important to me. It goes beyond a Thursday
night poker game with others involved.”
David smiled and looked at him for a moment, his heart racing. He leaned his head
back against the chair and his gaze drifted upward. “I know,” he said quietly. “I feel like
I’ve seen the view from the world’s highest mountain.”
♦ ♦ ♦
By ten o’clock the following Monday morning, David had already shred several pieces
of paper. He stood up to stretch and walked from his desk to the window. The
construction worker had taken off his shirt in the morning sun.
Young and stupid aren’t ya, buddy? Shame we don’t look like that when we’re old
enough to appreciate it.
Gazing out the window, he was aware of another change. That relentless tension had
left his hands and chest. After all these years he no longer felt that helpless sense of
urgency. He scanned the downtown skyline. His eyes rested on the tower that housed
James’s office, and he wondered if James might be looking out in his direction with the
same peace-of-mind. Unable to focus on anything else, his thoughts all morning had
vacillated between those two hours in the hotel room and their plans to organize a
private fraternity. A few minutes later he returned to his desk and started a new page.
Married? Glad of it? Something missing? Something no one else in your life could
ever understand? Like us, you’re middle age, happily married, financially secure,
not promiscuous, discreet, self-conscious and you would find solace in sharing
mutual friendship in the brotherhood of a small group of men. If so, please write.
You're bio should be as complete as possible.
He leaned back in the chair and reread it. That’s it! He tore off the paper, folded it and
put it in his shirt pocket. After examining the legal pad to make sure no imprint of his
words appeared on the next page, he punched the intercom button. “Janie, call James
Cooper. Let me know if he can make our lunch date at the Hyatt Regency.”
♦ ♦ ♦
They found a secluded spot in the busy atrium to sit down. The several stories high
wall of glass behind them filled the huge space with sun. They were oblivious to the
noise and occasional passerby.
James said: “First time a weekend seemed like a month.”
“Yeah, I know. After all of these years we’ve known each other, all of a sudden I can’t
wait to see you.”
“Same here. I've never looked forward to a Monday before. Sounds corny, but I don’t
give a damn.”
“You and me ... go figure.” David closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I keep
thinking about being in that room with you.”
James’s smile was soft and reminiscent. “The more I think about it, the more it
seemed inevitable.”
“Maybe it was.”
“Glad you had the guts to talk to me about it. I really believe I would’ve found myself lost
in the woods one day.”
“Weird how it affects you. Thought I’d be uptight, but I’m not.”
“Same here. I feel good about the way I am, about us. We’ve been talking to each
other like a couple of smitten teenagers and I’m even okay with that. …So,” James
grinned, “damn the torpedoes.”
David’s gaze shifted across the atrium as he contemplated his sexuality evolving from
a private trauma to cherished gift.
“It makes you nervous, though,” James added.
“Getting caught, you mean?”
“Well, that, and lying to Shasha.” He looked down at the floor as if he had pictured his
wife and felt the guilt of deceiving her.
“Yeah, sometimes being philosophical doesn’t help much. I tell myself it’s apart from
my marriage, just a part of who I am. Then I think about what it’d do to Linda if she
found out.”
James’s eyes drifted over David’s body. “Maybe it won’t be so hard to deal with in
time.”
David remembered the reason for lunch. “You still ready to take a stab at the poker
game?”
“Haven’t thought of a reason why not.”
David nodded, then looked away in thought. “I’m tired of feeling like I’m on the wrong
side of this issue. You feel lonely, like there’s something wrong with you. All my life it
seems I’ve been carrying an invisible weight. No one to talk to I can identify with.” He
paused and glanced across the overhead landings. “Seems odd, busy as I am,
married, constantly around people, and feel lonely at the same time. I think that’s why
getting some guys together appeals to me. Guys like us. Just to spend time with.
Maybe firm up that feeling that it’s okay to be who we are.”
James smiled. “I can understand that. So how do we go about it?”
“Ever read any of those personal ads we were talking about?”
“A few. Run across one of those personal sites on the Internet now and then.”
“Forget the Internet,” David said. “Our business won’t be floating around in
cyberspace.” He unfolded the yellow page. “Read this and tell me what you think.”
A moment later, James nodded and handed back the paper. “Sounds like that nails it.”
“There’s a postal service around the corner from my office. I rented a box on the way to
work this morning. The whole affair will be discreet.” David folded the paper and put it
back in his pocket. “So it sounds okay?”
“The wording certainly narrows the field. It just might work.”
“Who knows? I expect we’ll hear from a few flakes anyway.” David looked around the
atrium. “This would be a good place to meet if we get an interesting reply. You agree?”
James looked around and nodded.
“I’m thinking noon would be the best time to arrange a meeting? If we get a prospect, I’
d like you to be with me.”
“Can we plan them in advance?”
“Sure.”
“Then I’ll be there.” James was thinking about the unpredictable aspects of the poker
game. “Say we find these guys ... have you thought about what their expectations
might be?”
David recognized James’s concern. “You’re thinking they’ll expect to have sex with us.”
“Isn’t that likely?”
“I don’t know. I thought about it some. I wouldn’t mind getting naked with a small group
of guys, maybe do a little experimenting; but not if you’re uncomfortable with it.”
James looked away in thought, feeling a little uneasy. Their eyes met. “I told you I’m
feeling a little possessive.”
David wanted to take his hand, but couldn’t in public. “We’re doing this together.
Nothing could come between you and me. I doubt we’ll actually connect with anyone;
but if we do, let’s take it one step at a time, together.”
“You said something about ground rules. Add HIV tests, just in case.”
“Yeah.” David replied. “There’s a free clinic in Oaklawn. They advertise the service.
It's a hassle, but there’s no choice. If we manage to get five men together, even if we
get to know and trust each other, I agree we all should be tested.”
“Right. Can’t completely trust anyone with a dick.”
David laughed.
“No promiscuity makes sense,” James added.
“That and a vow of secrecy.” David paused in thought. “Well, the kind of a guy we’re
interested in would agree with a few rules. I’ll just be glad to get this preliminary stuff
behind us. I don’t like talking about it as if we’re organizing a group of investors to
build a shopping center.” David noticed a few tables emptying in the dining area. “You
ready for something to eat?”
“Yeah.”
They found a table and ordered turkey sandwiches on croissants. James ordered a
second round of beer when the sandwiches came.
James took a bite, staring at his lover. “Wonder how long it’ll take this fire to die down
a little. I can’t get that image of you in the shower out of my head.” He laughed, as if it
should be absurd that a man have such thoughts. “It’s like I have an urge to talk about
it, like I want to tell you how much I love being with you.”
“And I like hearing it. All those fantasies I’ve had about you over the years. Made me
feel ridiculous. Now we can hardly wait to get in bed together.” David looked at James’
s forearm on the white table cloth. “Think part of it’s because I’m white and you’re
black?”
James glanced at David’s hands. “That’s part of it … yeah. You have to admit, the
contrast is sensuous. I like the way your tan makes your ass look lily white.”
David glanced over him, rubbing his lower lip. “What drives me crazy is the skin
between your legs and under your arms. It’s darker than the rest of your body.
Amazing turn-on.”
“The subtle things have a big impact.”
“Big impact might be an understatement.”
“Who knows what all it involves. I read an article in one of Shasha’s magazines the
other day. Why men are unfaithful. Boiled down to getting off on doing something we’
re not supposed to do.”
“That’s nonsense. It doesn’t apply to us. I’d never risk my marriage for something that
shallow.”
“To me it’s simple,” James surmised. “We finally dug up a bone that’s been buried a
long time, and it’s damn exciting.”
“I think the real mystery is how guys like us can be so attracted to each other, when
most men would run for the hills before admitting something like that.”
“Well, when all’s said and done, do you care?”
“No.”
James glanced at his watch. “Got any appointments after two o’clock tomorrow?”
“I can cancel it. A brick salesman.”
“This hotel okay?”
“I’ll get here a little early and get the room.” David nodded toward the atrium. “I’ll meet
you at the fountain at two.”
James glanced around, then reached under the table to squeeze his lover’s knee.
“Then all I have to do is get a little sleep tonight.”
David’s gaze took on a wistful look.
“What are you thinking?”
“What it would be like to sleep with you. Wake up in the morning, close. Maybe have
the whole day.”
James nodded. “I’ve thought about that myself. Even if our wives went out of town
together, I still have three daughters to take care of.”
“Looks like we won’t be sleeping together.”
“Not anytime soon.” James stood up thinking about their plans. “Then we’re set to go
forward with the poker game?”
“I’ll call in the ad when I get back to the office.”
♦ ♦ ♦
Tim Scott just finished sweeping the brick driveway he had installed. He had collected
a check from the homeowner and had gotten into his battered pickup truck. He looked
at the check for a moment before folding it to put into his shirt pocket. It would hardly
be enough to cover his son’s most recent medical bills. Nevertheless, he and
Rosemary, his wife, needed a morale boost. He planned to take her someplace
special for dinner. Letting his weight rest casually against the seatback, he picked up
the newspaper lying beside him.
Looking for the restaurant reviews, he leafed through the pages and came to a column
that read: Men seeking Men. He glanced at his watch. There was still more than
enough time to get home and get a shower. He cranked the window all the way down
and propped his arm on the sill and began reading a few of the ads. Sometimes their
wording spawned fantasies that he had long since assumed he himself would never
experience. It was the sixth ad down that quickened his pulse.
He lifted his head and stared through the windshield in thought. The T-shirt he had
pulled on before collecting from the homeowner had gotten damp from the late
afternoon summer heat. He pulled the cotton ribbing away from his damp chest,
wondering what kind of man could have written an ad that seemed to be reaching out
to him.
♦ ♦ ♦
A week later, forty-three responses to the ad had accumulated in the post box. James
was in David’s office, vacillating between discouragement and having a good laugh.
“I don’t get it,” said David, glancing from one letter to the next. “I spent two hours writing
that ad. I thought the words were crystal clear. Why some of these guys responded is
beyond me.”
“Maybe they respond to all the ads, hoping for at least one positive reply.”
“Look at this one,” said David, handing James a letter and the picture of a muscular
man posing in a thong, tattoos on each forearm and a forest of hair across the back of
his neck and shoulders.
James lowered his reading glasses. “Let’s see ... he’s five-nine, weighs two-twenty,
thirty-nine years old, was married but divorced, and he makes thirty thousand a year.
Well, at least he’s financially secure.”
“Yeah, if he was living in the seventies. I’d say he read someone else’s ad and
responded to ours by mistake. Here’s one that looks like a form letter, embossed
photo and all.”
“What does he look like?”
“A male prostitute who should have retired long ago.” David continued shuffling
through the letters.
“Any prospects?”
“This pile here.” David had set aside six letters. He handed them across the desk.
James looked them over and shrugged. “Hard to tell. Maybe.”
“Thought I’d send them a reply and arrange a meeting at the Hyatt. Least we can give
it a shot.”
A week later they were back in David’s office, further discouraged.
“When I got to work this morning, one of my colleagues asked me where I disappeared
to yesterday afternoon.” They had spent the afternoon in a room in far north Dallas.
Shasha had called at the most importune moment and James, guilt-stricken by hearing
her voice, felt awkward talking to her.
David rubbed his eyes. “Wish our poker game project wasn’t looking so bleak. We
wasted all that time talking to those guys.”
“A couple of them seemed okay, but you never know. I felt the same way you did. No
connection or something. No chemistry.”
“You get a sense they’re not being honest, like they’re not telling you everything. That
tall guy, Wednesday, I pictured him sitting in a hot tub in a bathhouse sucking guys off.
He seemed likeable enough, but we can’t get involved with someone who’s out there
fooling around.”
“Half their letters seemed misleading,” James added. “Like they were trying to write
what we want to hear.” He had been doubtful going in. Now he was beginning to
believe the idea wasn’t going to work out; though he didn’t mention this to David. “I got
the impression they were just looking for sex.” He looked at the stack of letters on the
desk. “Anything the last couple of days?”
“It’s amazing. I never expected this many replies.” David lifted part of the stack and
glanced at it. “Almost thirty in the last two days. The photographs eliminated half—they
send pictures of their dicks. Most of the others didn’t include photos. We’ve been
approached by everyone from drag queens to Hell’s Angels. Looks like two
prospects.” David looked at the hopeless pile of rejected queries. “Want to read any
of these?”
“Send them through the shredder.”
“This makes me uncomfortable,” David grumbled. “I don’t like sitting in judgment of
these guys.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re not sitting in judgment. We’re just looking for guys we
have something in common with. Besides, some of ‘um are jerks. They shouldn’t have
written.”
David picked up one of the two worthwhile letters. “Okay, here’s the first one.
‘Gentleman, I enjoyed your most interesting ad. Though I’ve been happily married
for near twenty years, I also live a life of quiet desperation. I am certain that
companionship with men with whom I would identify would be a godsend. I am a
professor of literature and enjoy staying fit by walking. I like fine food, good wine, and
theater, which Dallas offers in abundance. Please feel free to respond, as I would be
happy to meet with you in a mutually convenient setting. For now, refer to me as
Professor.’ ...It ends with his post box number.”
“Might be worth a try. He sounds a tad stuffy though.”
David picked up the other letter. “I thought so too.” He stared at the second letter for a
moment, then said: “No picture with this one, but it’s interesting. ‘Hello, Never
responded to an ad before. Never read one like yours. Yes, I’m happily married and
have two kids. My family is more important to me than my own life. Problem is, and
it has nothing to do with my wife, but yes again, there is something missing. It’s clear
there’s more to your ad than a solicitation for sex. I almost cried when I read it. Now I
have this crazy notion something wonderful could happen in my life. Shows you how
my mind works, doesn’t it? And I know it would have to be discreet, because my risks
are not inferior to anyone’s. So if you want to know what I look like, or what I like to
eat, you’re going to have to spend a little time meeting me to find out. Write back
and let me know where, and if you do, you can explain what you mean by financially
secure.’ David looked at James. “His name is Tim. He included a post box number.”
“I like that one.”
“Yeah. It sounds even better the second time you read it.”
“Wow.”
“I’ll send them both a letter. Same as last time. Lunch dates an hour apart, a week
from tomorrow. Let them know I’ll be wearing a red shirt. That seemed to work well.
Sound like a good time for you?”
“Sure. They’ll find a way to show up if they’re the guys we’re looking for.”