| Chapter 4 |
David was half way through his first cup of coffee when Linda entered the kitchen.
Saturday morning was his favorite time of the week, a casual ritual at the breakfast
table where they sipped coffee and caught up on the week’s news. Since Jeff went off
to college, it was the one morning Linda felt free to wear one of the temptations David
had picked out for her at Victoria’s Secret. This one was a chiffon see-through with
thong panties. Lowering the newspaper, his gaze followed her to the counter where
she collected her favorite ingredients and turned on the espresso machine.
“You excited about our trip to Destin Beach next week?” she asked over her shoulder.
David laid the newspaper aside. “Yeah. I cleared Monday and Tuesday so we’d have
four days.”
She joined him with her special brew. “Shasha reserved a condo. Two bedrooms,
separate kitchen and living room. The balcony overlooks the Gulf.”
“Paradise.”
“There’s a hot tub on the balcony,” she added.
“Ah, good. That’ll take the chill off this summer humidity.”
“We were thinking cold water, actually.” A coy smile formed on her lips. “We’ve
planned a surprise for you and James.”
“A surprise? How about a hint.”
“One hint only. You two ain’t gonna believe it.”
He looked at her a moment, delighted by her early morning zeal. A constant source of
energy and imagination, he couldn’t understand how he could be drawn in other
directions. “Knowing you and Shasha, I bet that’s an understatement,” he said, thinking
about the time they were finally going to have together. “Looks like the new
arrangement at the office is working out.”
“Figured it would. You’ve worked your ass off for twenty years. You deserve a little
time off.”
“Did you look at those convertibles yesterday?”
“They have two over at Big Sky Ford. Are you serious about getting one?”
“Sure. Did you pick one out?”
“It’s red.”
“Of course it is.”
“Okay, so I want a red car. Seems like we always end up with blue or white.” She
looked at him for a moment and concluded he was serious about buying one. “Wanna
drive over and take a look at it?”
“We’ll do better than that. We’ll go over and buy it.”
She tightened up with excitement. “Shasha said you were serious about buying a
sports car, but I wasn’t sure. I’m so excited!” She loved his easy smile, realizing she
hadn’t seen this kind of calm on his face in weeks. She noticed his eyes drop and rest
on her nearly exposed breasts, delighted her old husband was back. All the turmoil
she had seen in his eyes during the past few weeks boiled down to a matter of
reorganizing their priorities, and it was a transition that made the long years and risks
finally worthwhile. “Ready for breakfast?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Pancakes?”
“Sounds good.”
“Shall we go to the dealership after breakfast?”
He glanced over her. “Only if you change clothes before we go.”
She looked down at the negligee. “What’s wrong with this?” she asked quite seriously.
“What if we have a flat tire on the way? You want to change it wearing that?”
“I’ll be ready thirty minutes after we eat.”
Watching her get up and walk to the pantry, he asked: “Maybe we should drive the new
car over to Bossier City and spend the night.”
She turned around. “Really!”
“Why not? We can break it in and get in a little gambling at the same time.”
“Then I’ll be ready an hour after we eat. I’ll have to pack a few things.”
She was humming an Elvis tune as she mixed the batter. David knew she wore the
negligee because he enjoyed picking them out, and because she wanted to be sexy
for her husband. His heart sank. Would she hate him if she knew? Would her love
dissolve because of feelings and urges that were beyond his control? Or would the
strength of their love carry them through even that kind of storm? He watched her,
painfully aware he would not want to live without her, while beneath the calm of this fine
Saturday morning he was thinking about James.
♦ ♦ ♦
After breakfast James was reading a news magazine on the sofa in the den when his
middle daughter, Janet, came bouncing down the stairs in a pair of jeans that
appeared to be two sizes too small.
“Young lady, you don’t really think you’re leaving this house dressed like that, do you?”
His familiar fatherly voice stopped her in her tracks just before she could scurry into the
kitchen. Her lips curled into an instant pout. “Dad, this is a brand new outfit.”
“Was your mother with you when you bought it?”
“Well, no, but ...”
“Then you can wear it in your room. Not downstairs, and definitely not outside the
house!”
“Dad, I don’t have time to change.”
“That’s the one big drawback of being fifteen: You have to do what your father says,
even if you don’t have time. When you go out with your friends, your stomach will not be
exposed, your butt will not look like it’s about to bust out of your pants, and you’ll wear a
blouse, not a glorified brassiere. Clear?”
She turned and stomped back up the stairs.
He rested the magazine on his lap and set a gaze on the artificial carnations in the
fireplace. It was the first time fatherhood seemed like a paradox. It had come naturally
from the moment his first daughter was born, but now he was a father who carried a
secret—he was a father trying to resist the temptation of a same-sex lover. It felt
strange, an emotional fantasy wrapped in guilt, all brought on by David’s confession
and enhanced by doubts looming over his will to resist. He had always loved David.
Everyone they knew was aware of their friendship. What would they think if they knew
the depth of their feelings, now that they seemed to be on the brink of becoming
lovers? Without question, when he thought about it honestly, it seemed
predetermined. It had kept him awake most of the night.
They had come together in the business world and soon became best friends. Now it
seemed their destiny all along had a definite end, an end that was a new beginning by
way of an uncovered truth, a truth that was no more complicated than it was simply
meant to be. And why not? Wouldn’t it be apart from everything else in their lives?
Wouldn’t it be as intended? Though guilt crawled on him with a vengeance, he could
not fully grasp its justification, when in the end it seemed so simple—the door that had
opened should have never been closed. He knew he could take David into his arms
with a kind of abandon that seemed to be lying in wait.
Shasha walked into the room, sat down beside him and crossed her legs yoga style.
“That damn dishwasher! Had trouble getting it started again this morning,” she said,
frustrated.
“I took a look at it last night,” he said, rubbing his hand over her leg. It felt silky smooth.
“You did? Find out what’s wrong with it?”
“Found out law school has its limitations.”
“I’ll call a plumber,” she said dryly, stroking his bald head. “Scratchy! Want me to
shave it tonight?”
He was staring at the carnations.
“James? James dear, did you hear me?”
“Yeah. I do. You’re a lot better at it than me.”
He swallowed hard. David had stolen his mind in the middle of a conversation with
Shasha. He’d have to be more careful. Watch the behavior changes.
“Were you talking to Janet a minute ago?” she asked.
“She came down stairs half naked. Looked like a twenty-dollar whore. She’s probably
up there pouting. I hope she changed clothes or there’ll be another problem when her
friends show up.”
“I agree. We want her to look like a hundred dollar whore.”
James looked at her, incredulous. “That’s not funny. I need your support on this. I
come on like the big bastard and their mother is making jokes about it. What’s with
that?” He looked over at the stairs. “I don’t know why fifteen year olds these days
refuse to look like proper young ladies.”
“These days? Now let’s see ... what did I wear at her age?” Shasha replied, tapping
her full red lips with her finger. “Oh yes, I remember. I was half naked, too, but you
didn't seem to mind that sort of thing then.”
James remembered their youthful years. They were an awkward pair in junior high, not
really sweethearts, but good friends who could share secrets. Though he had probably
already fallen in love with her, he wasn’t savvy enough to understand it yet. He recalled
when he first noticed she had developed feminine curves, the impact that it had during
a school picnic, when she had somehow gotten out of the house wearing a short skirt
and tank top. He caught himself staring at her body that day, which led to their first
kiss. Ill at ease as that kiss was, it lodged in his memory as one of the most exciting
events of his life. They had been together as long as he could remember, including the
two years they were separated when he was in graduate school. His love for her had
grown every year since. Thinking about how she looked back then, an image formed in
his mind—sexy and young and half naked.
He looked at her. “Why did your father allow you out of the house looking that hot?”
“He didn’t. I wore what he liked over what I wanted to wear until I got down the street.
Janet hasn’t learned how to outsmart you yet.”
“I trust you won’t be teaching her.”
“Lord no. Risk sitting through one of your moral sermons. You must be kidding. She’ll
out-wit you on her own, or suffer your sense of style the rest of her life.”
One of my moral sermons! Isn’t that enough to choke a horse? He looked at her a
moment. Though she had been in his life all these years, to have her beside him still
swelled his chest with joy. It was more than her beauty and challenging wit—she had
been his motivation from the day they first talked about marriage. “By the way,” he
said, “I talked to David about his strange behavior.”
“Oh? Did he acknowledge it?”
“More or less. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything to worry about. I think he’s suffering
a little mid-life job burnout. He promoted his key man. Said it would give him more
time off for things like the trip to Destin Beach.”
“Wasn’t that a great idea?” A curious smile formed on her lips. “Linda and I have a
surprise for you two when we get there.” She batted her eyelashes. “Don’t bother
trying to guess what it is. You couldn’t in a million years.”
He looked at her and shook his head.
She looked down at her lap. “Think I’m getting too old to wear a bikini?”
His eyes shifted to her hips. “You didn’t seem too old about two o’clock last night.”
“I’ve been thinking about that all morning, big boy. What happened, wake up from an
erotic dream or something?”
“No. No dream. Just woke up and saw these unbelievable curves next to me under the
sheet. Couldn’t help myself.”
“Then I’ll try to remember what position I was sleeping in. Nothing sweeter than the
weight of my big man in the middle of the night.”
The doorbell rang and Janet came streaking down the stairs, dressed in loose fitting
jeans and a blouse with sleeves. “Bye Mom, bye Dad. I’ll be back this afternoon,” she
called out, slamming the front door behind her.
“Where’s she going?” James asked.
“Sonya’s mother is driving them to the mall to see a movie.”
James’s brow furrowed with insinuating theories. “Did those clothes look unusually
baggy to you?”
“Getting suspicious in your old age, Dad?” Shasha picked up the magazine he had set
aside.
He looked back at the carnations as she began flipping pages. He felt a sense of
relief. Okay. No problems here. Same kind of thing we talk about every Saturday.
She looks as tempting as always. Janet got pissed off as usual. Everything’s normal.
…Wonder if David will have time for lunch Monday.
♦ ♦ ♦
At ten-thirty the following Saturday morning, Linda sat down on the bed next to her
sleeping husband. They were to depart shortly for Destin Beach. David’s eyes
fluttered when her weight jarred the bed. He felt an immediate urge to relieve his
bladder. When he flipped back the sheet to get up, she leaned over his chest.
“Where you going, sleepy head?” she asked.
“The bathroom.”
“You didn’t get home until after two o’clock last night.”
His mind shifted to the long hours of the meeting. He and James had to finish that
restaurant contract before they could leave town for a few days. It wasn’t the nit-picking
details or the long hours so much as their close proximity that presented the challenge.
Late into the night, side-by-side in the solitude of a deserted office, they had poured
over line after line of legalese, laboring over words that seemed to serve no purpose
other than to stand in the way of a more urgent calling.
“Had to finish that damn restaurant contract before we could leave for the beach.
Brubaker’s expecting it first thing Monday morning.”
“Did James stay all that time?”
“He had to. It was all legal stuff.”
She brushed the day old whiskers on his neck with her fingertips. “Sounds expensive.
What’s his hourly rate these days?”
“Normally, four hundred an hour. He bills us three hundred. And now that he’s a partner
in his firm, he takes in an additional eight hundred thousand a year.”
“My God! You’d never know that by the way Shasha shops. I’ve never seen her buy
anything not on sale.”
“They’re both that way. That Cadillac he drives is six years old. But I think he’s
planning to splurge a little. Said he might buy Shasha a new car since you got the new
Thunderbird.”
“I love that car! If we had more time we could drive it to Destin.”
She noticed his leg shaking. “You wouldn’t pee on my clean sheets, would you?”
“Any second if you don’t let me up.”
Linda shifted her weight and watched him scoot to the edge of the bed, then scamper
across the room. “Don’t see naked men running across the bedroom in the middle of
the day very often,” she called out.
He took aim at the bowl and a shiver came at the back of his neck when the stream
started. “I’ve been assuming you’ve never seen one.”
“Just the pool man.”
“Ha! That kid! You’re way too much woman for him. Too old for him, too.”
“Too old!” She walked over and leaned against the doorframe. “Shasha talked me
into buying a new bikini. We’ll see if you think I look too old when I’m wearing it on the
beach.”
He shook off the last drop and flushed the toilet, wondering about his wife’s escalating
sense of adventure. He approached and wrapped his arms around her. “So do you
really think it’s appropriate for the mother of a college boy to be wearing a bikini in
public?”
“Only because there’re no nude beaches around Destin.”
He drew his head back and looked at her. “Nude beaches?” She had never
mentioned anything like that before, though it was another example of how
unpredictable she had become now that her child rearing days were over. He
wondered if this was her way of suggesting a nude beach. “You’d do some-thing like
that?”
“Would you?”
He scratched his head. “Well, I don’t know. You’d be naked. There’d be other men
looking at my woman.”
“Maybe. Would that be a problem?”
“I’d have to kill every one of ‘um.”
She scoffed. “My husband! Jealous! That’ll be the day.”
“Would you look at the naked men?”
She thought about that for a moment, then said: “I might.”
“So that’s it. You wanna look at naked men. Getting bored with the same old thing,
huh?”
Her brows lifted casually. “Thought I’d look for some volunteers for a measuring
contest, you know, kind of a counterpart to the wet tee-shirt contest.”
Her statement conjured images of that old college experience, the giggling coeds and
their ruler. “I’d lose that one,” he muttered.
“Oh I don’t know.” She reached down with a mischievous grin and gave him a playful
tug. His hands fell reflexively.
“Ow! I wasn’t expecting that!”
“Sorry, honey. Couldn’t resist.”
“Well, you might want to resist that nude beach idea. Considering the shriveling effect
of cold ocean water, you’d be stuck with the man sporting the smallest display on the
beach.”
“I doubt that.” She glanced at his penis. “I’ll never understand why all men want bigger
dicks.” Her eyes lifted. “Anyway, now that we’re talking about it, a nude beach might
be fun. I’d do it if you would.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
“Then plan our next vacation in California. Ain’t many folks gettin’ naked in that part of
the south these days. We might as well talk about breakfast instead.”
“I already had breakfast.”
“But I haven’t.”
She turned, leaned forward and flipped up the back of her negligee before starting
across the room. His eyes followed her until she disappeared beyond the door.
God I love her.
Brushing his teeth, David thought about his wife. His attraction to men certainly wasn’t
caused by a lack of sensual attention from Linda. She was more than a handful, and
becoming more so as they moved into middle age together. Having apparently
entered an erotic phase of some kind, she had recently suggested that he stop by an
adult bookstore and bring home a dirty movie. Intrigued, he had watched her absorb
every steamy scene, which led to some of their most passionate sex ever. Pondering
her increasing inclination toward sensual adventure, he wondered if he was living up to
her needs.
He rinsed the toothbrush and looked into the mirror and saw a man troubled by
conflict. He pictured James standing behind him, then felt a stirring below his belly. He
wondered what it would be like to be with him intimately, if it was already a foregone
conclusion, simply a matter of when and where. He changed that day in the restaurant;
James too—he saw it while they were sitting there, the quicker heartbeat when his
hand brushed James’s forearm, the closer bond when James released his two
decades old secret. Even the night before, when the subject had been avoided
entirely, those long hours of working so closely together had produced an unspoken
communication between them. Yes, things had changed. The air seemed fresher and
the sunlight brighter, and two men were suddenly traveling an altogether different road;
though the fantasy was one thing and actually allowing something to happen was quite
another.
It’s you you’re looking at. It’s who you are. ...Doesn’t matter, does it? You can’t risk
breaking her heart.
♦ ♦ ♦
The plane was in the air by two-thirty. James and Shasha sat across the aisle from
David and Linda. The women, giddy from the moment they set eyes on each other,
were oblivious to the tension behind the furtive glances between their husbands. They
were talking nonstop across the aisle. David assumed their behavior had something
to do with the big surprise Linda had hinted at.
“David slept until ten-thirty this morning,” said Linda.
“James slept late, too,” Shasha replied. “He didn’t get home until two o’clock.
Claimed they were working on a contract all night.”
“At least they got their story straight. Seems to me, if they’re gonna start working all
night, you and I need to come up with something to fill the time. Know any professional
male escorts?”
A few minutes later their conversation grabbed their husband’s attention. “Are you
going to the Baxter wedding next week?” Linda wanted to know, referring to a mutual
acquaintance whose daughter was about to be married before beginning her last year
in college.
“You haven’t heard what happened to that poor girl?” Shasha replied, incredulous.
Linda sat up attentively. “Something happened?”
“Nanette caught the groom in bed with another man! A man for God’s sake! Ain’t
gonna be a wedding, honey. It’s off.”
“What! My God! Why would he marry Nanette if he’s gay?”
Linda didn’t see David’s neck stiffen.
“I couldn’t believe it either,” Shasha added. “I met him a couple weeks ago. You’d
never dream that boy’s gay. Who would imagine a college jock crawling in bed with
another man?”
Linda leaned back in her seat, muttering: “At least Nanette found out before she
married him.”
David’s heart was racing. It was as if a period had been placed at the end of the
sentence. There had been little doubt about their positions on sex between two men,
now stated and fully confirmed. David wasn’t surprised in the slightest. He leaned
forward slightly and caught a glimpse of the angst on James’s face.
Both men melted discreetly into their chair backs to wait out the agony of an hour’s
flight. What had promised to be a bright summer day had taken on a wintry gloom.
Long accustomed to roller coaster emotions, David realized this was just one more
stab of guilt. Vacillating between brief periods of calm and bouts of self-contempt had
become a routine part of life. Familiar with the cycle, he would suffer Shasha’s tale of
woe and wait for the guilt recede, then have another few hours reprieve.
They landed in Biloxi. The women went to the restroom while the men stood in line at
the car rental counter.
“That wedding business was a real slap in the face,” James lamented.
“Yeah, I know. Makes me regret not telling her before we got married.”
“Why? She wouldn’t have married you.”
David looked toward the front of the line to see what was causing the delay. “I don't
know. If I’d been honest about it, maybe we could’ve talked it through.”
“Don’t kid yourself, buddy. You heard them. You’d have had a better chance with
leprosy.”
“Well, other than that, seems like things are going well.”
James shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the floor. “At least we
know we can manage our little secret when we’re all together.”
“Yeah. I’m glad we’re here. It’s good to get away for a while.”
They rented a Ford Explorer and drove to Destin. Located right on the beach, the
condo looked like a perfect place to relax for a few days. Under a cloudless blue sky,
the warm summer haze and the white sandy beach invited them to feel lazy.
They entered the condo and plopped the suitcases on the beds. The women went out
to the balcony to have a look at the hot tub. James sat down on the sofa. David
crossed the room and stood next to him.
“You over that wedding thing yet?”
“How do you get over getting hit in the face with a brick?”
“No surprise though, right? We both knew their positions on the subject.”
“Yeah, we did,” James said, staring toward the balcony. “Tell my stomach. Maybe it’ll
stop churning.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ll sure be
glad when I settle into our new circumstances.”
David knew what James meant. He could hardly think of anything else. He wanted to
tell him that, express his feelings, but it wasn’t the time or place. He was staring at their
wives through the sliding glass doors. “Look at them out there, plotting.”
“Wonder what they’re up to,” said James, watching the animated hushed tones on the
other side of the glass.
“Did Shasha say anything to you about a surprise?”
“Yeah. She seemed a little antsy about it.”
“No clues?”
“She was anxious to say something, but I couldn’t get a word out of her.”
“Linda’s been coming up with some strange stuff lately. She mentioned a nude beach
this morning.”
“Jesus! Looks like we’re all going through mid-life crazies.”
“I think she was serious,” said David.
“Probably was. I’m finally beginning to figure it out. Getting older I mean. Makes you
want to live a little, you know, before you get too old. You realize you don’t want to die
with a pile of regrets.”
“Well, whatever they’re planning, I’m thinking we ought to be prepared for just about
anything.”
James sat back. “You know what it is? They trust us. Complete faith in anything we
say. If Shasha was always suspicious, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about these fantasies I’
m having about you.”
“I know. When I told Linda we worked on a contract until two o’clock last night, she
simply believed it. It eats at you.”
“Then again…” James glanced at David and sighed. “…if they didn’t trust us, what kind
of marriage would we have? I know guys who have wives like that.”
“I probably wouldn’t trust those guys either.”
James laughed. “You’re probably right. Thing is, we’ve earned their trust ... so far.”
David looked at him. “It’s a lot to risk.”
“Yeah. Almost twenty years worth.”
The women entered the living room like partners in crime, glancing at one another with
mischievous grins. Linda spoke. “You guys want to hang out on the beach a while
before we go to dinner?”
“Sounds good to me,” said James.
“Go ahead and change,” Shasha added. “We’ll meet you down there after we unpack.”
In their separate bedrooms, the men changed into swim trunks and then took the
elevator to the terrace, stopping for beer on the way to the sand. They found a pair of
vacant wooden beach chairs and reclined, contented to have a few hours to watch the
waves and seagulls. An attractive young couple walking along the edge of the water
passed in front to them.
David took a swallow and wiped his lips on the back of his hand. “Ah, nothing like
Tecate on a warm beach,” he said, watching the couple from behind.
“Which one are you staring at?”
David turned to look at him. “Which one do you think?”
“The hunk?”
“Why look at his girlfriend? I have my own woman to look at.”
James leaned forward to rub lotion on his shins.
“You worried about sun burn?” David asked.
“I don’t burn. I just get blacker.”
“Oh?” David glanced over his masculine legs and rich black skin. “Interesting. I’d give
twenty bucks to have you sitting there in that Speedo.”
James’s brow furrowed. “Excuse me while I avoid thinking about things like that.”
“You can avoid it, huh?”
James turned. “No, don’t believe I can.” He watched David’s hand skim down his
stomach and join the other in his lap. “Actually, I have a great deal of trouble avoiding
it. Last night, sitting next to you at the conference table, I could smell your hair and the
odors in your shirt. Damn toughest contract I ever lived through.”
“Hmm. It’s getting to us, isn’t it?”
James rubbed some lotion on his shoulders. “Consuming is the word I’d use.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m dangling from a bridge over a bottomless gorge, hanging on
for dear life.”
“You don’t just think about it all the time, you feel it. Like being hungry with nothing to
eat. I don’t know, David. It’s harder to ignore than I thought.”
The women appeared twenty minutes later, in bikinis likely to make a teen-ager blush.
The men stared.
“Well gentlemen, what’d ya think?” said Linda, flirtatious, posing like a runway model
just beyond her husband’s feet.
“Linda, I told you this isn’t a nude beach.”
“Now honey, you don’t have to be a prude just because you’re getting old.”
David turned to James. “See why I’m not looking at the other half-naked females?”
“What are you talking about,” Linda wanted to know.
“Uh, a twenty-something walked by a few minutes ago.”
“Skinny I bet.”
“Too skinny,” David said, patting the slats between his legs. When she sat down, his
arm came around her waist and rested in her lap.
Shasha sat next to her husband. “You’re not wet yet,” she said. “Not going swimming?”
James looked out at the waves. “Sharks,” he said seriously. “That’s where they live.
Right out there. A shark attack was in the news again just last week.”
“That was in southern Florida, honey. Not up here.”
“Oh! Silly me. No doubt all the sharks have gone to south Florida for the summer.”
Shasha got to her feet. “I’m going in anyway.”
Linda followed. The men watched them play in the surf a few moments, waiting for one
of their flimsy tops to be forfeited to a wave.
“Wouldn’t it be ironic if they were lovers?” said James.
David looked at him. That concept had never occurred to him. “Wow... That’s heavy.
Kinda screws up my brain a little.” He turned back toward the women.
“How would you take it?”
“I don’t know.” David scratched his head. “It’d take a while to get past the shock. I
think it’s supposed to be different somehow with women. More acceptable or
something. ...Boy, that’s a tough call.” David thought about the porno movie he
brought home. He remembered she didn’t fast-forward through the lesbian scenes, but
her interest seemed less enthusiastic than for the scenes featuring well-hung studs.
“You’d think it’d be good fortune for us. Everything out in the open. No more guilt. All
four of us living with a unique understanding.” He turned and looked at David. “Could
you accept something like that?”
“Linda’s never inched too close to kinky, so it’s hard to imagine,” said David, gazing at
the women. “Yeah, I could accept it. I like having her all to myself, but that seems
different, like all four of us were open-minded about something remarkable. Wouldn’t
necessarily prefer it, not for selfish reasons anyway, just because it might make things
easier for me. Fact is, I love her. I’ve even thought about what I’d do if I caught her with
another man. That would be tough.”
“Could you forgive her?”
“Yeah, I could.”
“That’s because you know her. You’ve spent twenty years together. You know she’d
never see another man.”
“I believe that. It’s one of the reasons nothing will ever change how I feel about her.”
James was looking at his profile. He had an urge to reach over and touch him, take his
hand, anything. He loved Shasha intensely, but that didn’t preclude the weight of his
love for a man he couldn’t touch. In spite of the guilt, in spite of the fact his hands
couldn’t share what haunted his eyes, he felt more enlightened, more exhilarated with
life than he could remember. But the nights, the long hours of lying awake, dwelling
constantly on the impossible. It had already become hard to bear, hard to reconcile,
hard to face a future of denial when what he had to deny was so often no more than an
arms-length away. At least now he could share his thoughts, his feelings, be open with
a man he could identify with. At least he had gained a dream.
At dusk they pulled out of bumper-to-bumper traffic into a parking lot in front of a
crowded restaurant. Screaming good food, it looked like an ancient seaside
warehouse that had been converted into an eatery. After a brief wait for a table, all four
ordered seafood platters. The waiter delivered four large plates of food.
“Not too good, is it?” Shasha said, examining the scallop she had stabbed with her fork.
Linda agreed. “No wonder. This stuff is pre-breaded frozen food.” Chewing an oyster,
her nose wrinkled. “It’s a bitch when you can get better seafood in Dallas than down
here on the coast.”
David scanned the dining room. “It’s all marketing. They get the tourists in here, like
us. Damn place is packed. Bet none of ‘um are locals.”
James reached for a roll. “We’ll have to ask around before we go to dinner tomorrow
night.”
David had run out of steam by the time they got back to the condo. Anxious to kick
back and relax, he and James sat down on opposite ends of the sofa. James reached
for the remote control and turned on CNN.
“Don’t think I’m gonna last long tonight,” David said, yawning.
“Maybe that has something to do with working until two o’clock last night,” Linda said
on her way out to join Shasha on the balcony.
David noticed Shasha had turned on the hot tub. “Looks like we’re going to spend a
little time on the balcony tonight.”
James leaned forward to pull out his shirttail. “Might feel good to sit in some warm
water for a while,” he said, looking toward the balcony. He unbuttoned the shirt and let
it fall open.
David put his feet on the coffee table. “Do they seem a little anxious to you?”
“Yeah, they do. Anxious and secretive.” He rested an arm on the back of the sofa. “I
don’t have the energy to figure out what they’re up to.”
The women sauntered in a few minutes later. They seemed eager and apprehensive.
Standing side-by-side, Shasha stepped forward.
“Gentlemen, ready to spend a little time in the hot tub? It’s a clear night and there’s a
million stars in the sky.”
The men nodded, their eyes still glued to the TV.
Linda reached up to unbutton her blouse, her eyes fixed on the men. “Then we better
get undressed,”
Shasha followed her lead and began to disrobe. Their blouses falling on the floor
captured two pairs of eyes and their husband’s undivided attention—no swimsuit tops
or bras underneath. Shorts next, then panties joined the growing pile. After a week of
anticipation and building courage, they stood naked before their husbands with a
fluttering nervousness in their bellies. The men, perched stiffly on the sofa, their jaws
gaping, were stunned.
Resolved to follow through, Shasha stepped forward. “Ready for a little skinny-dipping,
big boy?” She extended her hand to draw James off the sofa.
The air suddenly charged with tension, David sat up and returned his feet to the floor,
his sensibilities muddled. Linda stepped close enough to take his hand to pull him up.
“In a sporting mood, sexy?”
The men found themselves standing in the middle of the room, helpless. Their wives
began to unfasten their shorts. Moments later, allowed hardly the time to sort out their
thoughts, both of them were naked.
“Hmm. I like it. They look as good in the buff as they do with their clothes on, don’t you
think, Shasha?”
“Sure do, sister! I’ve got beefcake—you’ve got eye candy.”
David had never felt more self-conscious in his life. James glanced down-ward,
dumbfounded, resisting an urge to cover himself with his hands. With events beyond
their control, the next thing they knew, they were being led to the tub.
The night air was warm and humid and smelled like the sea. The girls got in first, then
David and James lowered themselves in, glad for the camouflage of churning water.
They sat dumbly, trying to avoid eye contact with the two pairs of breasts bobbing on
the surface.
“You might avert your eyes when David gets out of the tub,” Linda suggested. “He’s a
little sensitive about the effect water has on him.”
“That’s cold water I was talking about,” David muttered.
James has the same problem,” Shasha added.
“Thanks for sharing that, honey.”
David turned his attention to his wife. “Is this the surprise? If not, I’ll be afraid to get out
of bed the rest of this trip.”
“This is it. Are you surprised?”
“I’m flabbergasted.”
James glanced back and forth between them. “What’s gotten into you two?”
“No sense of adventure, James?” Linda asked. “Seems you’d want to cut loose a little
after working ten hours a day at a stodgy old law firm.”
James looked at David. “Thought you said your wife isn’t kinky.”
“I’m beginning to think an alien has occupied her body.”
“Have you two been talking about me?” Linda protested.
“Just casually, my love. Nothing real juicy.”
“We forgot the beer,” Shasha remembered. She came to her feet, drawing eyes to
water flowing over dark skin and dripping from swollen nipples.
She lifted her leg over David’s shoulder, revealing the fact that every trace of pubic hair
had been shaved. The visual filled his eyes before he lowered his head to rub them.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Linda cooed. “Kinky 101.” She stood up, same cascade of water
and dripping nipples. “I’ll help Shasha with the beer.”
When the women were safely out of earshot, David leaned closer to James and spoke
in a hushed tone. “Were you expecting anything like this?”
“I’m still trying to come back from the Twilight Zone.”
“You don’t think their imaginations have gone beyond this skinny dipping, do you? I
mean, they wouldn’t be thinking about swapping us, would they?"
“God! I hope not. I have all the emotional trauma I need right now.”
David thought about it for a moment. “Naw ... that’s crazy. Not in a million years.”
“They must’ve read a magazine article or something.”
“Gotta admit, it’s kinda fun, after you get used to it.” David looked through the glass
into the kitchen. “They’ll be in there five minutes talking about our reactions.”
“Kind of a mind-blower seeing your wife naked.”
“Think I was expecting it?”
“She is a lovely creature.”
“They both are,” David said, watching the women carry on near the refrigerator. “That’s
why...”
The thought dropped from his mind when he looked back at James and found himself
in the clear heat of a silent gaze. He closed his eyes and sighed, drawn immediately
into the thoughts behind the dark brown eyes. His legs came together when a shiver
passed over his skin.
“It’s not gonna be easy, David.”
David’s eyes shifted to James’s shoulders. His heart quickened. He still found it hard
to believe that James was bisexual, even though that had been all he thought about.
Seeing him naked pushed him closer to the edge.
“I think about you constantly,” James added, almost as if he forgot his wife was just on
the other side of the wall. “Now we’re sitting like this in a hot tub together.”
David’s muscles fell limp. His body melted into a weary state of submission. “Heaven
help us,” he sighed. “You have no idea how you affect me looking at me like that.”
“Maybe I do. Maybe I’m glad I affect you that way.”
David’s eyes drifted over his shoulders and muscular chest, wet and glistening with soft
light, the hair plastered to skin, the skin darker in the shadows of his underarms. He
closed his eyes and rested the back of his head against the tub. “James...” he
whispered, “it’s not giving us any rest, is it?”
Saturday morning was his favorite time of the week, a casual ritual at the breakfast
table where they sipped coffee and caught up on the week’s news. Since Jeff went off
to college, it was the one morning Linda felt free to wear one of the temptations David
had picked out for her at Victoria’s Secret. This one was a chiffon see-through with
thong panties. Lowering the newspaper, his gaze followed her to the counter where
she collected her favorite ingredients and turned on the espresso machine.
“You excited about our trip to Destin Beach next week?” she asked over her shoulder.
David laid the newspaper aside. “Yeah. I cleared Monday and Tuesday so we’d have
four days.”
She joined him with her special brew. “Shasha reserved a condo. Two bedrooms,
separate kitchen and living room. The balcony overlooks the Gulf.”
“Paradise.”
“There’s a hot tub on the balcony,” she added.
“Ah, good. That’ll take the chill off this summer humidity.”
“We were thinking cold water, actually.” A coy smile formed on her lips. “We’ve
planned a surprise for you and James.”
“A surprise? How about a hint.”
“One hint only. You two ain’t gonna believe it.”
He looked at her a moment, delighted by her early morning zeal. A constant source of
energy and imagination, he couldn’t understand how he could be drawn in other
directions. “Knowing you and Shasha, I bet that’s an understatement,” he said, thinking
about the time they were finally going to have together. “Looks like the new
arrangement at the office is working out.”
“Figured it would. You’ve worked your ass off for twenty years. You deserve a little
time off.”
“Did you look at those convertibles yesterday?”
“They have two over at Big Sky Ford. Are you serious about getting one?”
“Sure. Did you pick one out?”
“It’s red.”
“Of course it is.”
“Okay, so I want a red car. Seems like we always end up with blue or white.” She
looked at him for a moment and concluded he was serious about buying one. “Wanna
drive over and take a look at it?”
“We’ll do better than that. We’ll go over and buy it.”
She tightened up with excitement. “Shasha said you were serious about buying a
sports car, but I wasn’t sure. I’m so excited!” She loved his easy smile, realizing she
hadn’t seen this kind of calm on his face in weeks. She noticed his eyes drop and rest
on her nearly exposed breasts, delighted her old husband was back. All the turmoil
she had seen in his eyes during the past few weeks boiled down to a matter of
reorganizing their priorities, and it was a transition that made the long years and risks
finally worthwhile. “Ready for breakfast?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
“Pancakes?”
“Sounds good.”
“Shall we go to the dealership after breakfast?”
He glanced over her. “Only if you change clothes before we go.”
She looked down at the negligee. “What’s wrong with this?” she asked quite seriously.
“What if we have a flat tire on the way? You want to change it wearing that?”
“I’ll be ready thirty minutes after we eat.”
Watching her get up and walk to the pantry, he asked: “Maybe we should drive the new
car over to Bossier City and spend the night.”
She turned around. “Really!”
“Why not? We can break it in and get in a little gambling at the same time.”
“Then I’ll be ready an hour after we eat. I’ll have to pack a few things.”
She was humming an Elvis tune as she mixed the batter. David knew she wore the
negligee because he enjoyed picking them out, and because she wanted to be sexy
for her husband. His heart sank. Would she hate him if she knew? Would her love
dissolve because of feelings and urges that were beyond his control? Or would the
strength of their love carry them through even that kind of storm? He watched her,
painfully aware he would not want to live without her, while beneath the calm of this fine
Saturday morning he was thinking about James.
♦ ♦ ♦
After breakfast James was reading a news magazine on the sofa in the den when his
middle daughter, Janet, came bouncing down the stairs in a pair of jeans that
appeared to be two sizes too small.
“Young lady, you don’t really think you’re leaving this house dressed like that, do you?”
His familiar fatherly voice stopped her in her tracks just before she could scurry into the
kitchen. Her lips curled into an instant pout. “Dad, this is a brand new outfit.”
“Was your mother with you when you bought it?”
“Well, no, but ...”
“Then you can wear it in your room. Not downstairs, and definitely not outside the
house!”
“Dad, I don’t have time to change.”
“That’s the one big drawback of being fifteen: You have to do what your father says,
even if you don’t have time. When you go out with your friends, your stomach will not be
exposed, your butt will not look like it’s about to bust out of your pants, and you’ll wear a
blouse, not a glorified brassiere. Clear?”
She turned and stomped back up the stairs.
He rested the magazine on his lap and set a gaze on the artificial carnations in the
fireplace. It was the first time fatherhood seemed like a paradox. It had come naturally
from the moment his first daughter was born, but now he was a father who carried a
secret—he was a father trying to resist the temptation of a same-sex lover. It felt
strange, an emotional fantasy wrapped in guilt, all brought on by David’s confession
and enhanced by doubts looming over his will to resist. He had always loved David.
Everyone they knew was aware of their friendship. What would they think if they knew
the depth of their feelings, now that they seemed to be on the brink of becoming
lovers? Without question, when he thought about it honestly, it seemed
predetermined. It had kept him awake most of the night.
They had come together in the business world and soon became best friends. Now it
seemed their destiny all along had a definite end, an end that was a new beginning by
way of an uncovered truth, a truth that was no more complicated than it was simply
meant to be. And why not? Wouldn’t it be apart from everything else in their lives?
Wouldn’t it be as intended? Though guilt crawled on him with a vengeance, he could
not fully grasp its justification, when in the end it seemed so simple—the door that had
opened should have never been closed. He knew he could take David into his arms
with a kind of abandon that seemed to be lying in wait.
Shasha walked into the room, sat down beside him and crossed her legs yoga style.
“That damn dishwasher! Had trouble getting it started again this morning,” she said,
frustrated.
“I took a look at it last night,” he said, rubbing his hand over her leg. It felt silky smooth.
“You did? Find out what’s wrong with it?”
“Found out law school has its limitations.”
“I’ll call a plumber,” she said dryly, stroking his bald head. “Scratchy! Want me to
shave it tonight?”
He was staring at the carnations.
“James? James dear, did you hear me?”
“Yeah. I do. You’re a lot better at it than me.”
He swallowed hard. David had stolen his mind in the middle of a conversation with
Shasha. He’d have to be more careful. Watch the behavior changes.
“Were you talking to Janet a minute ago?” she asked.
“She came down stairs half naked. Looked like a twenty-dollar whore. She’s probably
up there pouting. I hope she changed clothes or there’ll be another problem when her
friends show up.”
“I agree. We want her to look like a hundred dollar whore.”
James looked at her, incredulous. “That’s not funny. I need your support on this. I
come on like the big bastard and their mother is making jokes about it. What’s with
that?” He looked over at the stairs. “I don’t know why fifteen year olds these days
refuse to look like proper young ladies.”
“These days? Now let’s see ... what did I wear at her age?” Shasha replied, tapping
her full red lips with her finger. “Oh yes, I remember. I was half naked, too, but you
didn't seem to mind that sort of thing then.”
James remembered their youthful years. They were an awkward pair in junior high, not
really sweethearts, but good friends who could share secrets. Though he had probably
already fallen in love with her, he wasn’t savvy enough to understand it yet. He recalled
when he first noticed she had developed feminine curves, the impact that it had during
a school picnic, when she had somehow gotten out of the house wearing a short skirt
and tank top. He caught himself staring at her body that day, which led to their first
kiss. Ill at ease as that kiss was, it lodged in his memory as one of the most exciting
events of his life. They had been together as long as he could remember, including the
two years they were separated when he was in graduate school. His love for her had
grown every year since. Thinking about how she looked back then, an image formed in
his mind—sexy and young and half naked.
He looked at her. “Why did your father allow you out of the house looking that hot?”
“He didn’t. I wore what he liked over what I wanted to wear until I got down the street.
Janet hasn’t learned how to outsmart you yet.”
“I trust you won’t be teaching her.”
“Lord no. Risk sitting through one of your moral sermons. You must be kidding. She’ll
out-wit you on her own, or suffer your sense of style the rest of her life.”
One of my moral sermons! Isn’t that enough to choke a horse? He looked at her a
moment. Though she had been in his life all these years, to have her beside him still
swelled his chest with joy. It was more than her beauty and challenging wit—she had
been his motivation from the day they first talked about marriage. “By the way,” he
said, “I talked to David about his strange behavior.”
“Oh? Did he acknowledge it?”
“More or less. Doesn’t seem like there’s anything to worry about. I think he’s suffering
a little mid-life job burnout. He promoted his key man. Said it would give him more
time off for things like the trip to Destin Beach.”
“Wasn’t that a great idea?” A curious smile formed on her lips. “Linda and I have a
surprise for you two when we get there.” She batted her eyelashes. “Don’t bother
trying to guess what it is. You couldn’t in a million years.”
He looked at her and shook his head.
She looked down at her lap. “Think I’m getting too old to wear a bikini?”
His eyes shifted to her hips. “You didn’t seem too old about two o’clock last night.”
“I’ve been thinking about that all morning, big boy. What happened, wake up from an
erotic dream or something?”
“No. No dream. Just woke up and saw these unbelievable curves next to me under the
sheet. Couldn’t help myself.”
“Then I’ll try to remember what position I was sleeping in. Nothing sweeter than the
weight of my big man in the middle of the night.”
The doorbell rang and Janet came streaking down the stairs, dressed in loose fitting
jeans and a blouse with sleeves. “Bye Mom, bye Dad. I’ll be back this afternoon,” she
called out, slamming the front door behind her.
“Where’s she going?” James asked.
“Sonya’s mother is driving them to the mall to see a movie.”
James’s brow furrowed with insinuating theories. “Did those clothes look unusually
baggy to you?”
“Getting suspicious in your old age, Dad?” Shasha picked up the magazine he had set
aside.
He looked back at the carnations as she began flipping pages. He felt a sense of
relief. Okay. No problems here. Same kind of thing we talk about every Saturday.
She looks as tempting as always. Janet got pissed off as usual. Everything’s normal.
…Wonder if David will have time for lunch Monday.
♦ ♦ ♦
At ten-thirty the following Saturday morning, Linda sat down on the bed next to her
sleeping husband. They were to depart shortly for Destin Beach. David’s eyes
fluttered when her weight jarred the bed. He felt an immediate urge to relieve his
bladder. When he flipped back the sheet to get up, she leaned over his chest.
“Where you going, sleepy head?” she asked.
“The bathroom.”
“You didn’t get home until after two o’clock last night.”
His mind shifted to the long hours of the meeting. He and James had to finish that
restaurant contract before they could leave town for a few days. It wasn’t the nit-picking
details or the long hours so much as their close proximity that presented the challenge.
Late into the night, side-by-side in the solitude of a deserted office, they had poured
over line after line of legalese, laboring over words that seemed to serve no purpose
other than to stand in the way of a more urgent calling.
“Had to finish that damn restaurant contract before we could leave for the beach.
Brubaker’s expecting it first thing Monday morning.”
“Did James stay all that time?”
“He had to. It was all legal stuff.”
She brushed the day old whiskers on his neck with her fingertips. “Sounds expensive.
What’s his hourly rate these days?”
“Normally, four hundred an hour. He bills us three hundred. And now that he’s a partner
in his firm, he takes in an additional eight hundred thousand a year.”
“My God! You’d never know that by the way Shasha shops. I’ve never seen her buy
anything not on sale.”
“They’re both that way. That Cadillac he drives is six years old. But I think he’s
planning to splurge a little. Said he might buy Shasha a new car since you got the new
Thunderbird.”
“I love that car! If we had more time we could drive it to Destin.”
She noticed his leg shaking. “You wouldn’t pee on my clean sheets, would you?”
“Any second if you don’t let me up.”
Linda shifted her weight and watched him scoot to the edge of the bed, then scamper
across the room. “Don’t see naked men running across the bedroom in the middle of
the day very often,” she called out.
He took aim at the bowl and a shiver came at the back of his neck when the stream
started. “I’ve been assuming you’ve never seen one.”
“Just the pool man.”
“Ha! That kid! You’re way too much woman for him. Too old for him, too.”
“Too old!” She walked over and leaned against the doorframe. “Shasha talked me
into buying a new bikini. We’ll see if you think I look too old when I’m wearing it on the
beach.”
He shook off the last drop and flushed the toilet, wondering about his wife’s escalating
sense of adventure. He approached and wrapped his arms around her. “So do you
really think it’s appropriate for the mother of a college boy to be wearing a bikini in
public?”
“Only because there’re no nude beaches around Destin.”
He drew his head back and looked at her. “Nude beaches?” She had never
mentioned anything like that before, though it was another example of how
unpredictable she had become now that her child rearing days were over. He
wondered if this was her way of suggesting a nude beach. “You’d do some-thing like
that?”
“Would you?”
He scratched his head. “Well, I don’t know. You’d be naked. There’d be other men
looking at my woman.”
“Maybe. Would that be a problem?”
“I’d have to kill every one of ‘um.”
She scoffed. “My husband! Jealous! That’ll be the day.”
“Would you look at the naked men?”
She thought about that for a moment, then said: “I might.”
“So that’s it. You wanna look at naked men. Getting bored with the same old thing,
huh?”
Her brows lifted casually. “Thought I’d look for some volunteers for a measuring
contest, you know, kind of a counterpart to the wet tee-shirt contest.”
Her statement conjured images of that old college experience, the giggling coeds and
their ruler. “I’d lose that one,” he muttered.
“Oh I don’t know.” She reached down with a mischievous grin and gave him a playful
tug. His hands fell reflexively.
“Ow! I wasn’t expecting that!”
“Sorry, honey. Couldn’t resist.”
“Well, you might want to resist that nude beach idea. Considering the shriveling effect
of cold ocean water, you’d be stuck with the man sporting the smallest display on the
beach.”
“I doubt that.” She glanced at his penis. “I’ll never understand why all men want bigger
dicks.” Her eyes lifted. “Anyway, now that we’re talking about it, a nude beach might
be fun. I’d do it if you would.”
“You’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Yeah. Why not?”
“Then plan our next vacation in California. Ain’t many folks gettin’ naked in that part of
the south these days. We might as well talk about breakfast instead.”
“I already had breakfast.”
“But I haven’t.”
She turned, leaned forward and flipped up the back of her negligee before starting
across the room. His eyes followed her until she disappeared beyond the door.
God I love her.
Brushing his teeth, David thought about his wife. His attraction to men certainly wasn’t
caused by a lack of sensual attention from Linda. She was more than a handful, and
becoming more so as they moved into middle age together. Having apparently
entered an erotic phase of some kind, she had recently suggested that he stop by an
adult bookstore and bring home a dirty movie. Intrigued, he had watched her absorb
every steamy scene, which led to some of their most passionate sex ever. Pondering
her increasing inclination toward sensual adventure, he wondered if he was living up to
her needs.
He rinsed the toothbrush and looked into the mirror and saw a man troubled by
conflict. He pictured James standing behind him, then felt a stirring below his belly. He
wondered what it would be like to be with him intimately, if it was already a foregone
conclusion, simply a matter of when and where. He changed that day in the restaurant;
James too—he saw it while they were sitting there, the quicker heartbeat when his
hand brushed James’s forearm, the closer bond when James released his two
decades old secret. Even the night before, when the subject had been avoided
entirely, those long hours of working so closely together had produced an unspoken
communication between them. Yes, things had changed. The air seemed fresher and
the sunlight brighter, and two men were suddenly traveling an altogether different road;
though the fantasy was one thing and actually allowing something to happen was quite
another.
It’s you you’re looking at. It’s who you are. ...Doesn’t matter, does it? You can’t risk
breaking her heart.
♦ ♦ ♦
The plane was in the air by two-thirty. James and Shasha sat across the aisle from
David and Linda. The women, giddy from the moment they set eyes on each other,
were oblivious to the tension behind the furtive glances between their husbands. They
were talking nonstop across the aisle. David assumed their behavior had something
to do with the big surprise Linda had hinted at.
“David slept until ten-thirty this morning,” said Linda.
“James slept late, too,” Shasha replied. “He didn’t get home until two o’clock.
Claimed they were working on a contract all night.”
“At least they got their story straight. Seems to me, if they’re gonna start working all
night, you and I need to come up with something to fill the time. Know any professional
male escorts?”
A few minutes later their conversation grabbed their husband’s attention. “Are you
going to the Baxter wedding next week?” Linda wanted to know, referring to a mutual
acquaintance whose daughter was about to be married before beginning her last year
in college.
“You haven’t heard what happened to that poor girl?” Shasha replied, incredulous.
Linda sat up attentively. “Something happened?”
“Nanette caught the groom in bed with another man! A man for God’s sake! Ain’t
gonna be a wedding, honey. It’s off.”
“What! My God! Why would he marry Nanette if he’s gay?”
Linda didn’t see David’s neck stiffen.
“I couldn’t believe it either,” Shasha added. “I met him a couple weeks ago. You’d
never dream that boy’s gay. Who would imagine a college jock crawling in bed with
another man?”
Linda leaned back in her seat, muttering: “At least Nanette found out before she
married him.”
David’s heart was racing. It was as if a period had been placed at the end of the
sentence. There had been little doubt about their positions on sex between two men,
now stated and fully confirmed. David wasn’t surprised in the slightest. He leaned
forward slightly and caught a glimpse of the angst on James’s face.
Both men melted discreetly into their chair backs to wait out the agony of an hour’s
flight. What had promised to be a bright summer day had taken on a wintry gloom.
Long accustomed to roller coaster emotions, David realized this was just one more
stab of guilt. Vacillating between brief periods of calm and bouts of self-contempt had
become a routine part of life. Familiar with the cycle, he would suffer Shasha’s tale of
woe and wait for the guilt recede, then have another few hours reprieve.
They landed in Biloxi. The women went to the restroom while the men stood in line at
the car rental counter.
“That wedding business was a real slap in the face,” James lamented.
“Yeah, I know. Makes me regret not telling her before we got married.”
“Why? She wouldn’t have married you.”
David looked toward the front of the line to see what was causing the delay. “I don't
know. If I’d been honest about it, maybe we could’ve talked it through.”
“Don’t kid yourself, buddy. You heard them. You’d have had a better chance with
leprosy.”
“Well, other than that, seems like things are going well.”
James shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at the floor. “At least we
know we can manage our little secret when we’re all together.”
“Yeah. I’m glad we’re here. It’s good to get away for a while.”
They rented a Ford Explorer and drove to Destin. Located right on the beach, the
condo looked like a perfect place to relax for a few days. Under a cloudless blue sky,
the warm summer haze and the white sandy beach invited them to feel lazy.
They entered the condo and plopped the suitcases on the beds. The women went out
to the balcony to have a look at the hot tub. James sat down on the sofa. David
crossed the room and stood next to him.
“You over that wedding thing yet?”
“How do you get over getting hit in the face with a brick?”
“No surprise though, right? We both knew their positions on the subject.”
“Yeah, we did,” James said, staring toward the balcony. “Tell my stomach. Maybe it’ll
stop churning.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “I’ll sure be
glad when I settle into our new circumstances.”
David knew what James meant. He could hardly think of anything else. He wanted to
tell him that, express his feelings, but it wasn’t the time or place. He was staring at their
wives through the sliding glass doors. “Look at them out there, plotting.”
“Wonder what they’re up to,” said James, watching the animated hushed tones on the
other side of the glass.
“Did Shasha say anything to you about a surprise?”
“Yeah. She seemed a little antsy about it.”
“No clues?”
“She was anxious to say something, but I couldn’t get a word out of her.”
“Linda’s been coming up with some strange stuff lately. She mentioned a nude beach
this morning.”
“Jesus! Looks like we’re all going through mid-life crazies.”
“I think she was serious,” said David.
“Probably was. I’m finally beginning to figure it out. Getting older I mean. Makes you
want to live a little, you know, before you get too old. You realize you don’t want to die
with a pile of regrets.”
“Well, whatever they’re planning, I’m thinking we ought to be prepared for just about
anything.”
James sat back. “You know what it is? They trust us. Complete faith in anything we
say. If Shasha was always suspicious, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about these fantasies I’
m having about you.”
“I know. When I told Linda we worked on a contract until two o’clock last night, she
simply believed it. It eats at you.”
“Then again…” James glanced at David and sighed. “…if they didn’t trust us, what kind
of marriage would we have? I know guys who have wives like that.”
“I probably wouldn’t trust those guys either.”
James laughed. “You’re probably right. Thing is, we’ve earned their trust ... so far.”
David looked at him. “It’s a lot to risk.”
“Yeah. Almost twenty years worth.”
The women entered the living room like partners in crime, glancing at one another with
mischievous grins. Linda spoke. “You guys want to hang out on the beach a while
before we go to dinner?”
“Sounds good to me,” said James.
“Go ahead and change,” Shasha added. “We’ll meet you down there after we unpack.”
In their separate bedrooms, the men changed into swim trunks and then took the
elevator to the terrace, stopping for beer on the way to the sand. They found a pair of
vacant wooden beach chairs and reclined, contented to have a few hours to watch the
waves and seagulls. An attractive young couple walking along the edge of the water
passed in front to them.
David took a swallow and wiped his lips on the back of his hand. “Ah, nothing like
Tecate on a warm beach,” he said, watching the couple from behind.
“Which one are you staring at?”
David turned to look at him. “Which one do you think?”
“The hunk?”
“Why look at his girlfriend? I have my own woman to look at.”
James leaned forward to rub lotion on his shins.
“You worried about sun burn?” David asked.
“I don’t burn. I just get blacker.”
“Oh?” David glanced over his masculine legs and rich black skin. “Interesting. I’d give
twenty bucks to have you sitting there in that Speedo.”
James’s brow furrowed. “Excuse me while I avoid thinking about things like that.”
“You can avoid it, huh?”
James turned. “No, don’t believe I can.” He watched David’s hand skim down his
stomach and join the other in his lap. “Actually, I have a great deal of trouble avoiding
it. Last night, sitting next to you at the conference table, I could smell your hair and the
odors in your shirt. Damn toughest contract I ever lived through.”
“Hmm. It’s getting to us, isn’t it?”
James rubbed some lotion on his shoulders. “Consuming is the word I’d use.”
“Sometimes I feel like I’m dangling from a bridge over a bottomless gorge, hanging on
for dear life.”
“You don’t just think about it all the time, you feel it. Like being hungry with nothing to
eat. I don’t know, David. It’s harder to ignore than I thought.”
The women appeared twenty minutes later, in bikinis likely to make a teen-ager blush.
The men stared.
“Well gentlemen, what’d ya think?” said Linda, flirtatious, posing like a runway model
just beyond her husband’s feet.
“Linda, I told you this isn’t a nude beach.”
“Now honey, you don’t have to be a prude just because you’re getting old.”
David turned to James. “See why I’m not looking at the other half-naked females?”
“What are you talking about,” Linda wanted to know.
“Uh, a twenty-something walked by a few minutes ago.”
“Skinny I bet.”
“Too skinny,” David said, patting the slats between his legs. When she sat down, his
arm came around her waist and rested in her lap.
Shasha sat next to her husband. “You’re not wet yet,” she said. “Not going swimming?”
James looked out at the waves. “Sharks,” he said seriously. “That’s where they live.
Right out there. A shark attack was in the news again just last week.”
“That was in southern Florida, honey. Not up here.”
“Oh! Silly me. No doubt all the sharks have gone to south Florida for the summer.”
Shasha got to her feet. “I’m going in anyway.”
Linda followed. The men watched them play in the surf a few moments, waiting for one
of their flimsy tops to be forfeited to a wave.
“Wouldn’t it be ironic if they were lovers?” said James.
David looked at him. That concept had never occurred to him. “Wow... That’s heavy.
Kinda screws up my brain a little.” He turned back toward the women.
“How would you take it?”
“I don’t know.” David scratched his head. “It’d take a while to get past the shock. I
think it’s supposed to be different somehow with women. More acceptable or
something. ...Boy, that’s a tough call.” David thought about the porno movie he
brought home. He remembered she didn’t fast-forward through the lesbian scenes, but
her interest seemed less enthusiastic than for the scenes featuring well-hung studs.
“You’d think it’d be good fortune for us. Everything out in the open. No more guilt. All
four of us living with a unique understanding.” He turned and looked at David. “Could
you accept something like that?”
“Linda’s never inched too close to kinky, so it’s hard to imagine,” said David, gazing at
the women. “Yeah, I could accept it. I like having her all to myself, but that seems
different, like all four of us were open-minded about something remarkable. Wouldn’t
necessarily prefer it, not for selfish reasons anyway, just because it might make things
easier for me. Fact is, I love her. I’ve even thought about what I’d do if I caught her with
another man. That would be tough.”
“Could you forgive her?”
“Yeah, I could.”
“That’s because you know her. You’ve spent twenty years together. You know she’d
never see another man.”
“I believe that. It’s one of the reasons nothing will ever change how I feel about her.”
James was looking at his profile. He had an urge to reach over and touch him, take his
hand, anything. He loved Shasha intensely, but that didn’t preclude the weight of his
love for a man he couldn’t touch. In spite of the guilt, in spite of the fact his hands
couldn’t share what haunted his eyes, he felt more enlightened, more exhilarated with
life than he could remember. But the nights, the long hours of lying awake, dwelling
constantly on the impossible. It had already become hard to bear, hard to reconcile,
hard to face a future of denial when what he had to deny was so often no more than an
arms-length away. At least now he could share his thoughts, his feelings, be open with
a man he could identify with. At least he had gained a dream.
At dusk they pulled out of bumper-to-bumper traffic into a parking lot in front of a
crowded restaurant. Screaming good food, it looked like an ancient seaside
warehouse that had been converted into an eatery. After a brief wait for a table, all four
ordered seafood platters. The waiter delivered four large plates of food.
“Not too good, is it?” Shasha said, examining the scallop she had stabbed with her fork.
Linda agreed. “No wonder. This stuff is pre-breaded frozen food.” Chewing an oyster,
her nose wrinkled. “It’s a bitch when you can get better seafood in Dallas than down
here on the coast.”
David scanned the dining room. “It’s all marketing. They get the tourists in here, like
us. Damn place is packed. Bet none of ‘um are locals.”
James reached for a roll. “We’ll have to ask around before we go to dinner tomorrow
night.”
David had run out of steam by the time they got back to the condo. Anxious to kick
back and relax, he and James sat down on opposite ends of the sofa. James reached
for the remote control and turned on CNN.
“Don’t think I’m gonna last long tonight,” David said, yawning.
“Maybe that has something to do with working until two o’clock last night,” Linda said
on her way out to join Shasha on the balcony.
David noticed Shasha had turned on the hot tub. “Looks like we’re going to spend a
little time on the balcony tonight.”
James leaned forward to pull out his shirttail. “Might feel good to sit in some warm
water for a while,” he said, looking toward the balcony. He unbuttoned the shirt and let
it fall open.
David put his feet on the coffee table. “Do they seem a little anxious to you?”
“Yeah, they do. Anxious and secretive.” He rested an arm on the back of the sofa. “I
don’t have the energy to figure out what they’re up to.”
The women sauntered in a few minutes later. They seemed eager and apprehensive.
Standing side-by-side, Shasha stepped forward.
“Gentlemen, ready to spend a little time in the hot tub? It’s a clear night and there’s a
million stars in the sky.”
The men nodded, their eyes still glued to the TV.
Linda reached up to unbutton her blouse, her eyes fixed on the men. “Then we better
get undressed,”
Shasha followed her lead and began to disrobe. Their blouses falling on the floor
captured two pairs of eyes and their husband’s undivided attention—no swimsuit tops
or bras underneath. Shorts next, then panties joined the growing pile. After a week of
anticipation and building courage, they stood naked before their husbands with a
fluttering nervousness in their bellies. The men, perched stiffly on the sofa, their jaws
gaping, were stunned.
Resolved to follow through, Shasha stepped forward. “Ready for a little skinny-dipping,
big boy?” She extended her hand to draw James off the sofa.
The air suddenly charged with tension, David sat up and returned his feet to the floor,
his sensibilities muddled. Linda stepped close enough to take his hand to pull him up.
“In a sporting mood, sexy?”
The men found themselves standing in the middle of the room, helpless. Their wives
began to unfasten their shorts. Moments later, allowed hardly the time to sort out their
thoughts, both of them were naked.
“Hmm. I like it. They look as good in the buff as they do with their clothes on, don’t you
think, Shasha?”
“Sure do, sister! I’ve got beefcake—you’ve got eye candy.”
David had never felt more self-conscious in his life. James glanced down-ward,
dumbfounded, resisting an urge to cover himself with his hands. With events beyond
their control, the next thing they knew, they were being led to the tub.
The night air was warm and humid and smelled like the sea. The girls got in first, then
David and James lowered themselves in, glad for the camouflage of churning water.
They sat dumbly, trying to avoid eye contact with the two pairs of breasts bobbing on
the surface.
“You might avert your eyes when David gets out of the tub,” Linda suggested. “He’s a
little sensitive about the effect water has on him.”
“That’s cold water I was talking about,” David muttered.
James has the same problem,” Shasha added.
“Thanks for sharing that, honey.”
David turned his attention to his wife. “Is this the surprise? If not, I’ll be afraid to get out
of bed the rest of this trip.”
“This is it. Are you surprised?”
“I’m flabbergasted.”
James glanced back and forth between them. “What’s gotten into you two?”
“No sense of adventure, James?” Linda asked. “Seems you’d want to cut loose a little
after working ten hours a day at a stodgy old law firm.”
James looked at David. “Thought you said your wife isn’t kinky.”
“I’m beginning to think an alien has occupied her body.”
“Have you two been talking about me?” Linda protested.
“Just casually, my love. Nothing real juicy.”
“We forgot the beer,” Shasha remembered. She came to her feet, drawing eyes to
water flowing over dark skin and dripping from swollen nipples.
She lifted her leg over David’s shoulder, revealing the fact that every trace of pubic hair
had been shaved. The visual filled his eyes before he lowered his head to rub them.
“Isn’t this exciting?” Linda cooed. “Kinky 101.” She stood up, same cascade of water
and dripping nipples. “I’ll help Shasha with the beer.”
When the women were safely out of earshot, David leaned closer to James and spoke
in a hushed tone. “Were you expecting anything like this?”
“I’m still trying to come back from the Twilight Zone.”
“You don’t think their imaginations have gone beyond this skinny dipping, do you? I
mean, they wouldn’t be thinking about swapping us, would they?"
“God! I hope not. I have all the emotional trauma I need right now.”
David thought about it for a moment. “Naw ... that’s crazy. Not in a million years.”
“They must’ve read a magazine article or something.”
“Gotta admit, it’s kinda fun, after you get used to it.” David looked through the glass
into the kitchen. “They’ll be in there five minutes talking about our reactions.”
“Kind of a mind-blower seeing your wife naked.”
“Think I was expecting it?”
“She is a lovely creature.”
“They both are,” David said, watching the women carry on near the refrigerator. “That’s
why...”
The thought dropped from his mind when he looked back at James and found himself
in the clear heat of a silent gaze. He closed his eyes and sighed, drawn immediately
into the thoughts behind the dark brown eyes. His legs came together when a shiver
passed over his skin.
“It’s not gonna be easy, David.”
David’s eyes shifted to James’s shoulders. His heart quickened. He still found it hard
to believe that James was bisexual, even though that had been all he thought about.
Seeing him naked pushed him closer to the edge.
“I think about you constantly,” James added, almost as if he forgot his wife was just on
the other side of the wall. “Now we’re sitting like this in a hot tub together.”
David’s muscles fell limp. His body melted into a weary state of submission. “Heaven
help us,” he sighed. “You have no idea how you affect me looking at me like that.”
“Maybe I do. Maybe I’m glad I affect you that way.”
David’s eyes drifted over his shoulders and muscular chest, wet and glistening with soft
light, the hair plastered to skin, the skin darker in the shadows of his underarms. He
closed his eyes and rested the back of his head against the tub. “James...” he
whispered, “it’s not giving us any rest, is it?”
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