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| Chapter 3 |
Four days later, just before he left the office to go home, David stood at the window
staring at the downtown skyline. Time was crawling agonizingly slow. He realized the
call he longed for was not going to come. The night before, when he could no longer
resist, he had picked up the phone to call Shasha. He told her, for business reasons,
he needed to know when James planned to return. He just wanted to see if she had
heard from him. And of course she had; she described what sounded like a routine
business trip that would take three more days.
Three more days.
He had glanced at his watch every five minutes all week. Evenings had been worse
than days, a constant fear that Linda would notice his absent behavior. At night,
wanting to escape, to pass the time faster with a sound night’s sleep, his eyes refused
to stay closed. Though James’s return promised an uncertain outcome, at least it
would be better than not knowing. He would have something to accept, to settle into.
Maybe then he could find new ground and get on with his daily routines.
He had tried watching television, reading, organizing the garage—nothing distracted
him from the uncertainty. So he waited, staring at walls, conscious of what the drug
addict must feel when suffering the angry pain of withdrawal.
His gaze shifted to the growing high-rise next door. At least I got one thing
accomplished this week. Johnny had been willing and eager to accept the promotion.
The young man’s morale rose sky high with the raise. The company gained a new vice-
president, whose duties would be to oversee all construction crews, what had been the
most time consuming and demanding part of David’s job. For David, it was a
blessing. Training Johnny for the transition had helped fill the unending hours of waiting.
Linda mentioned the night before that she and Shasha had started planning the
vacation, normally an event he would look forward to. Now it loomed in the near future
as a potential disaster. Everything seems so unpredictable. What if James came
home unable to accept a bisexual friend? Beyond breaking his heart, it threatened
Shasha’s and Linda’s friendship. They could never be comfortable entangled in an
awkward state of affairs between their husbands. And to make matters worse, if his
friendship with James declined, Linda might very well find out why.
He tried to reassure me. Just before he walked out. Said he understood. He said
my ... my anomaly would not affect our friendship.
But James’s strange reaction and abrupt departure didn’t translate into un-
derstanding. What if he thinks a sexual relationship between men is reprehensible?
What if he can’t adjust to it? For God’s sake, he just got up and walked out, suddenly
compelled to leave for California.
The cards had been dealt. There was no turning back, no pretending nothing had been
said. If he lost his best friend, he would have to accept it and live with the fact that he
may never have a friendship its equal. He could only hope their wives won’t end up as
co-victims, destined to suffer consequences beyond their control. He had no choice
but to play the cards dealt, though he feared his bet had been far too high.
On the hour of James’s return, David fought the urge to go to the airport. He wanted to
see him, take his hand, smile and see the smile returned. He had decided the best
thing to do was simply wait for James to call, and pray the call would not be long in
coming. It was Friday. He knew the plane landed at five PM. Sitting in the den, staring
at the television, he heard the phone ring at eight o’clock.
“It’s for you,” Linda called out from the kitchen. “It’s James.”
David walked briskly toward the sound of her voice, trying to mask his apprehension
when he took the phone from her hand. When she turned back to the sink he lifted the
phone to his ear.
“Hello.”
“It’s me,” said James.
“Uh ... glad you’re home.”
“I hope you can forgive me.”
“What?”
“For leaving the way I did. I left you hanging. I didn’t realize it then, but David, that was
the most inconsiderate thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I did it to the best friend I
ever had. If you can you forgive me, I think I can make it up to you.”
David turned his back to Linda, in case the tear welling in his eye slipped down his
cheek. “James ...” He struggled to keep his voice normal, “uh ... don’t worry about that.”
After a short silence, James said: “Thank God. I wasn’t sure if I could face you. When
it finally dawned on me what I did, it was all I could think about.”
“So what’s up?”
“Is Linda nearby?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”
“Yes. Where?”
“That same place be okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Noon?”
“That’s fine,” said David.
“Things might be hectic at the office since I’ve been gone a week. If I’m late I’ll call your
cell phone.”
“Okay.”
“See you then.”
David turned when he heard the click. Linda was looking at him. “Then we can go over
that contract before Monday,” he said into the dead phone before hanging up.
“What was he worried about?” Linda asked.
“Worried?”
“You said something about he didn’t have to worry.”
“Oh ... uh, that he wasn’t here to do that restaurant contract.”
“Bet he’s glad to be home.”
“Sure he is,” he said, avoiding her eyes. “I’ll be in the den.”
David hurried out of the kitchen and went straight to the downstairs bathroom. He
closed the door and turned on the hot water. After wetting a wash-cloth he buried his
face in the damp warmth. He had never felt a stronger sense of relief. James had
asked to be forgiven. Incredible. He couldn’t imagine James needing to be forgiven
for anything, though one thing was certain—hearing the compassion in James’s voice
flooded his sensibilities with some much needed joy.
♦ ♦ ♦
The popular eatery was bustling with the usual lunch rush, people anxious to get a
table, wait-staff rushing to and fro between tables, laughter and loud conversation.
David and James sat glancing at each other for a few moments, their thoughts not yet
connected with words.
James spoke first. “Let’s not get out of here today without eating.”
David smiled and nodded.
James continued: “I was relieved you weren’t disappointed in me.” He shook his head
with self-contempt. “Still can’t believe I did that to you.”
“James, please, I’m the one who sprung the big surprise.”
“All the same...”
“It was the last thing you ever expected to hear. Just didn’t realize it would impact you
that way. When you walked out, I thought you couldn’t deal with it. I felt guilty all week.”
“Guilty? Why?”
“For putting you on the spot.”
“That makes what I did even worse. You came to me in need of a friend. I could see
you were desperate to talk; probably have been for God knows how long. And I walked
out on you.” James reached over and gave his friend’s nervous hand a fleeting
squeeze. “By the time we walk out of here today, I believe you’ll understand why.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” said David.
“I disagree. Nevertheless, today I’m the one who needs to talk to someone ... to you.
You laid it on the line, so will I.” He paused for a breath. “It happened in law school. I
shared an apartment with another student. A white guy, same class, planned to be a
lawyer in Boston. We played football and shared an apartment that year. The last
semester, we shared a bed.”
David’s jaw fell open.
A waiter stepped up with two glasses of water and set them on the table. “Give us a
few minutes,” James told him and looked back at David. “Still wonder if I understand?”
David took a sip of water, his thoughts reeling. He stared at James for a moment, then
glanced around the restaurant to let this soak in. He felt a rush of lightheadedness. It
seemed a million questions had suddenly flooded his mind, but he couldn’t think of the
first word to say.
Far better prepared for the course of the conversation, James continued. “That’s why I
went to California. It hit me the same way it’s hitting you right now.”
“Maybe I should to go out there for a week.”
James smiled. “I know exactly what you’re going through.” He paused for a moment to
look at him, adoringly. “Mainly, you worry you’ll be found out. You fear others will
question your masculinity; but you, you’re the most honorable and masculine man I’ve
ever known. You fear your wife will somehow learn your secret, when you love her more
than she’ll ever know. You fear you’ll go crazy one day trying to live out your life in
denial. On the other hand, you’re faced with the worst possible consequences if you
ever decide to act on what seems like a natural human instinct.
“Last week, when you finally took me into your confidence, everything I’ve tried to hide
about myself all these years hit me full force. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to
say. All I could think about was getting away to sort things out. What looked utterly
inconsiderate to you felt like near insanity to me. Is it any wonder? Look at me,
married with three daughters and a career to think about. So why is it, when I notice a
good looking hunk, I wonder what he’s like in bed? I figure I’m abnormal or something,
like I’m the only guy out there thinking that way.
“Anyway, it came to me a couple of days ago, during one of the long walks I took on the
beach. I sat down in the sand and stared into the waves and it hit as plain as day.
Realized I have the good fortune of having someone I can talk to. Someone I respect
and trust implicitly. Someone I love and want to support and be supported by. Neither
one of us ever has to feel alone with this predicament again.” James smiled, then
added: “You still looked shocked.”
“What did you say the other day? ‘Shocked? Yes, that’s a good word.’ It’s almost
impossible to believe. You slept with a man for a whole semester! You!”
“I know. Both of us. What are the odds?” James glanced around the dining room.
“Maybe it’s more common than we think. We’re obviously pretty good at hiding it.”
“You damn sure are.”
James smiled again. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to finally say it and not feel
ashamed or perverted. It really is nice to have someone to talk to.” He studied David’s
inquisitive expression for a moment. “I can see the questions written on your face.”
“What about now, today? That relationship was a long time ago. You were young.
How does it affect you now?”
“It’s always there. Subconsciously most of the time, but there. The right jeans walking
down the street, I catch myself taking a second look. What can I say? Three daughters
still living at home, you know, you bury it. You don’t think about taking chances,
especially these days.”
“You’re talking about AIDS.”
“Of course.” James took a sip of water. “They talk about safe sex. Too risky.
Condoms don’t come with guarantees. I’d kill myself before I’d risk Shasha’s health.
Besides that, there’s the risk of getting caught. No matter how natural it seems to me,
who else would see it that way? Can you imagine your family dealing with something
like this?”
“So you haven’t ... since college?”
“No.” James told him about the call he received from his roommate three years after
graduation.
“He called to see if you wanted to go to bed with him?”
“What do you think?”
“Do you regret not seeing him?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
A smile warmed David’s face. “You do understand, completely.”
“Afraid so.”
“I can’t believe it. I’ve agonized over talking to you for weeks. You don’t know what a
relief this is. I mean, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or concerned that we’re both coping
with the same problem. It took weeks to screw up the courage to confide in you. It got
to where I had to risk it, or lose my mind.”
“You believed talking about it will help keep you from acting on it.”
“Something like that,” said David, staring at his friend as if he were looking at him for
the first time. Curiosity overran his thoughts. “I can’t imagine sleeping with a man
every night for a whole semester.”
James let out a sigh. “It’s nice, David. You’re in a special world. You’re sharing
something with someone apart from everything else. His name was Randal. I’ll
remember that semester as long as I live. Problem is, for guys like you and me
anyway, it doesn’t equal building a family and a lifetime of memories with your wife.”
He studied David’s enthralled expression for a moment, his own curiosity aroused.
“Have you ever...?”
“Nothing as dramatic as sleeping with someone for four months. One time in high
school, in the gym showers. A guy I didn’t know was staring at my cock. I got an
erection. He started masturbating. We ended up doing each other. It’s a wonder we
didn’t get caught.” David looked at his fingernails in thought, recalling another old
memory. “One other time in college. At a party, after some significant pot smoking.
Three coeds, three hormone sated college boys and a dare. The coeds challenged us
to do as we were told for one hour. We accepted. Talk about three girls with
remarkable imaginations. They had us strip naked. After we put on a little strip show,
they got out a ruler and measured us. I lost that contest. Then they had us jack each
other off, but it didn’t stop there. They wanted to see us suck each other for a full sixty
seconds. That night I knew for sure I was attracted to men. Sixty seconds wasn’t
enough.”
“Not enough open-minded coeds around, were there?”
David laughed.
“Nothing since?” asked James.
“No.” A look of relief rested in David’s eyes as he stared at his friend. “I’ll tell you,
James, you’ll never know what this means to me. It’s been like carrying a sack of
bricks on my back. I think I’m finally going to have a little peace.”
“It’s life, but it ain’t simple?”
“I know one thing: I’m gonna have to quit walking around in a daze. Linda’s brought it up
a couple of times lately. She found out about that meeting I missed.”
“How?”
“Shasha told her.”
“Shit. That’s my fault.”
“Didn’t realize my state-of-mind was stamped on my forehead.”
“I told Shasha I was worried about you and mentioned that meeting. Should have
known she’d take it to Linda. I’ll straighten it out.”
“Don’t worry about it. I won’t be walking around in a daze any more, thanks to you.”
David reached up to rub the back of his neck, debating something he had not planned
to mention. It felt awkward, but he decided to take the chance. “There’s more.”
James sat up a bit straighter, attentive, wondering what else David could possibly add
to his latest revelation. “More?”
“The other half of my confession.”
James stared at him for a moment. “I’m all ears.”
“I’m attracted to you. Have been since we met.”
James skipped a breath. His face warmed. His undeniable attraction for David had
not led him to assume it would necessarily be mutual. But then, why not? If David’s
appetite included men, why not him? It really wasn’t surprising, but it instantly added
another complicated element to their relationship, one that would be difficult to deal
with. “I’m flattered,” he said. At a loss to add more, he simply asked: “Why me? And
in the spirit of this conversation’s momentum, can you possibly imagine anything ever
coming of it?”
“Why you? You’re kidding, right? If you like hearing it, I’ll say it, but I think you already
know. I don’t believe you can be a damn near perfect specimen of manhood and not
know it. Have you ever looked in the mirror and found a single flaw? Found anything
you might change about yourself? I doubt it.”
“That’s a bit much, David. I’d easily give up two inches off my waistline.”
“Shit!”
“I would!”
“Okay, that’s fine. Two inches. Big deal.”
“It’s a big deal to me!”
David drew a breath, pondering his next question. “Guess I might as well stick my neck
out a little further. I’m wondering, in the spirit of this conversation, are...”
“You want to know if I’m attracted to you, right?”
“Just curious.”
James paused to consider the question. The phrase opening a Pandora’s box had
suddenly taken on a very real meaning. “You really think we should venture into territory
that risky?”
“Actually, James, it’s more than curiosity. I’d really like to know. I believe we can talk
about these things without letting it go any further.”
“Alright,” he said, releasing a long sigh. “Wow. This is like standing on a cliff fifty feet
above the water, trying to screw up the courage to dive in. Well, my friend, I’m diving
in. ...I’m not only attracted to you, I sometimes get gooseflesh just looking at you.” He
paused and rubbed his eyes and then looked up with a weary smile. “We work out
together three times a week, right?” David nodded. “Afterwards, we shower before
getting dressed. Haven’t you noticed I usually turn my back to you?”
“Yeah, I have.”
“I’m afraid of getting an erection.”
Shivers ran across David’s forearms. “And I thought you were modest or something,”
he said. “So you turn your back and I find myself staring at your ass.”
“It won’t be easy showering with you anymore. Jesus, nothing about this is gonna be
easy. Maybe talking openly like this will take some of the edge off.”
“Maybe so.” Feeling relaxed for the first time in a week, David slid down in his chair a
bit and crossed his ankles under the table. A full week of anxiety had turned into
elation. He felt an urge to take James’s hand, but of course resisted. “All these years
we’ve known each other—why didn’t we know?”
“It’s the kind of thing you get real good at hiding, even from your best friend.”
“It’s still hard to believe. I suddenly feel twenty years old.”
“That’s the problem I have with you—you don’t look much older than that. There may be
a little gray in your hair, but the average thirty year old would envy your body.” James
paused, then added: “Remember last fall when we were in Cancun? One morning I
was walking out of the surf. We were wearing those Speedos our wives came up with.
The girls were still in the hotel and you were sitting in a beach chair. I caught you
staring at me. That look in your eyes. I had the oddest feeling I was picking up some
sort of a message.”
“Now you know what I was thinking ... but I didn’t realize I was blatantly staring.”
“You were, and I knew. At least I thought I did. It affected me all day. It was the first
time I seriously considered the possibility that ... well, that you might be like me. Before
that it was just crazy fantasies, stuff like wondering what it would be like to go to bed
with you; but that day ... what I saw in your eyes made it seem like more than a
fantasy. I even thought about saying something.”
The waiter approached the table with an order book in hand.
“Chicken salad and Heineken for me,” said David.
“Grilled salmon and coffee,” said James.
David took another sip of water and waited for the waiter to leave. “So you wanted to
say something but didn’t?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t. Didn’t have the nerve. I thought about hinting around, try to get a
read on you without saying anything specific. Couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t
give me away. I would’ve never been the first to confess.” James was fiddling with a
spoon. “You didn’t answer the other part of my question.”
“The other part?”
“Can you imagine anything happening between you and me?”
“Yes ... I can.” David paused. He felt a lightness in his chest as he contemplated the
answer. “Nothing superficial, but something meaningful. I can imagine our friendship
going to a new level, separate from our business affairs. We’d have to be careful, not
let it interfere with our daily lives; but yes, I can imagine something I would cherish.”
A pleasant chill came to the back of James’s neck. He closed his eyes and took in a
deep breath. “That’s the answer I was afraid of.”
“You didn’t expect me to say it?” said David, relaxed against the chair-back. His whole
world had changed in less time than it took to order lunch.
“Guess I did. And that makes us vulnerable because I feel the same way, but...”
The waiter stepped up with coffee.
They sat quietly for a moment. David’s response promised to be the most difficult
issue James ever wrestled with. What he had spent a lifetime trying to suppress was
now simmering in his hands.
James waited until the waiter moved to the next table: “Now you know how I feel, but I
can’t imagine acting on this and then have to face Shasha when I get home. Even if it
doesn’t seem wrong to me, it would devastate her. It’s damn easy to predict the
consequences if we got caught.”
David nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I hate the most. The concept of worrying about
getting caught. It’s too much like a soap opera. Makes you wonder why something that
seems so natural has such ugly connotations. It’s got some complicated psychology,
and comes with a price. You pay just thinking about it. Guilt.”
“I’ve got a taste of that already,” James replied.
“Well, I’ve tried to pretend it doesn’t exist. But like you said, it’s always there. Then
guilt kicks in when Linda enters the equation. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare. I see a
tight ass—the fantasies unfold. Next thing I know, I’m sitting across the table from her
trying to explain. I don’t even know how she’d interpret it. Infidelity? Unnatural? It’s the
worst possible scenario. All I know is it’s there.” He paused then added: “When I
talked to you last week, I had just about decided to take the chance.”
James looked down at the table.
“I know what you’re thinking. I swear, I’ve agonized over it. I don’t see it as infidelity.
It's not. Infidelity is the whore-hound looking for another score, or the guy who simply
won’t resist a tempting secretary. This is different. It doesn’t reflect on your wife as a
woman. It’s an issue in itself. Part of being a man, at least men like us.”
“I’ve come up with those same arguments a thousand times.”
“Then you know what I mean. Living on the edge is no way to be a good husband.
Trying to deny who I am interferes with being the man I’d like to be for her.” David
cocked his head sideways. “You’re looking at me funny.”
James shrugged.
“I know ... you think acting on it believing I’d be a better husband sounds insane; but I
don’t see why, unless you think denial is a good option.”
“Who are you arguing with, me or yourself?” James asked. “Even if I agree, our wives
would see nothing but worthless justifications. To act on it now?” He pressed the
bridge of his nose as if a pain rested just behind his eyes. “God David, I don’t know.
Think of the risk. Fantasizing about a male lover, about you, is one thing; actually
taking the step is another.” He looked down at David’s hand resting on the table. “At
least talking about it has given me a sense of relief. Shit, I almost feel dizzy.”
When their lunches arrived, David looked around the loud dining room, the lively buzz of
conversation and laughter, the crowd waiting at the door for a table. “No wonder this
place is always busy,” he said, picking up his fork. “The food here is delicious.” He
watched James take a bite of fish. “Our world sure has changed since we were here
last week. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted you to know and accept me for
who I am. What a surprise. It’s like we’re out to sea, adrift, and neither one of us
knows what to do. One thing is certain though: If I acted on it now, I’d want it to be with
you.”
“David ... damn!” James looked away in frustration. “You sure know how to stoke the
fire I’ve been trying to put out for a long time. Why not just stake me out on an anthill?”
“But you feel the same way.”
“Think so? Just because I spent a whole day out in California thinking about what it
would be like to ... well, to make love with you. We’re both married. That part’s easy to
figure out. Shasha might let me live, but it wouldn’t be in her house.”
James sipped his coffee and continued: “I don’t see it as infidelity either. Shasha
would. I’d lose her, which is exactly why I’ve been trying to bury this itch. But you can’t
bury it. All this time I figured I’ve been saddled with a rare affliction. You hear men
joking about sissy boys and queers, and you’re thinking: They’re talking about guys like
me. You know what they’d say if they ever found out. But maybe it’s not so rare, or
abnormal.” James shrugged. “Things were different in other eras. The Romans for
example. They considered it normal. What happened? Two thousand years later we
call it abnormal. Fuck that. I’m tired of feeling abnormal. Truth is, in all honesty I’m not
so sure I want to go to my grave wondering what might have been.”
David smiled. It wasn’t completely clear yet, but he sensed a special closeness in their
future. It seemed, as he sat in his friend’s gaze, they were reading into each other’s
thoughts.
James’s frustration faded. “David,” he said, his tone heartfelt, “promise you won’t do
anything without talking to me first.”
“I won’t.”
“Then we can go through this together? Just you and me?”
David nodded. “That’s right. Just you and me.”
staring at the downtown skyline. Time was crawling agonizingly slow. He realized the
call he longed for was not going to come. The night before, when he could no longer
resist, he had picked up the phone to call Shasha. He told her, for business reasons,
he needed to know when James planned to return. He just wanted to see if she had
heard from him. And of course she had; she described what sounded like a routine
business trip that would take three more days.
Three more days.
He had glanced at his watch every five minutes all week. Evenings had been worse
than days, a constant fear that Linda would notice his absent behavior. At night,
wanting to escape, to pass the time faster with a sound night’s sleep, his eyes refused
to stay closed. Though James’s return promised an uncertain outcome, at least it
would be better than not knowing. He would have something to accept, to settle into.
Maybe then he could find new ground and get on with his daily routines.
He had tried watching television, reading, organizing the garage—nothing distracted
him from the uncertainty. So he waited, staring at walls, conscious of what the drug
addict must feel when suffering the angry pain of withdrawal.
His gaze shifted to the growing high-rise next door. At least I got one thing
accomplished this week. Johnny had been willing and eager to accept the promotion.
The young man’s morale rose sky high with the raise. The company gained a new vice-
president, whose duties would be to oversee all construction crews, what had been the
most time consuming and demanding part of David’s job. For David, it was a
blessing. Training Johnny for the transition had helped fill the unending hours of waiting.
Linda mentioned the night before that she and Shasha had started planning the
vacation, normally an event he would look forward to. Now it loomed in the near future
as a potential disaster. Everything seems so unpredictable. What if James came
home unable to accept a bisexual friend? Beyond breaking his heart, it threatened
Shasha’s and Linda’s friendship. They could never be comfortable entangled in an
awkward state of affairs between their husbands. And to make matters worse, if his
friendship with James declined, Linda might very well find out why.
He tried to reassure me. Just before he walked out. Said he understood. He said
my ... my anomaly would not affect our friendship.
But James’s strange reaction and abrupt departure didn’t translate into un-
derstanding. What if he thinks a sexual relationship between men is reprehensible?
What if he can’t adjust to it? For God’s sake, he just got up and walked out, suddenly
compelled to leave for California.
The cards had been dealt. There was no turning back, no pretending nothing had been
said. If he lost his best friend, he would have to accept it and live with the fact that he
may never have a friendship its equal. He could only hope their wives won’t end up as
co-victims, destined to suffer consequences beyond their control. He had no choice
but to play the cards dealt, though he feared his bet had been far too high.
On the hour of James’s return, David fought the urge to go to the airport. He wanted to
see him, take his hand, smile and see the smile returned. He had decided the best
thing to do was simply wait for James to call, and pray the call would not be long in
coming. It was Friday. He knew the plane landed at five PM. Sitting in the den, staring
at the television, he heard the phone ring at eight o’clock.
“It’s for you,” Linda called out from the kitchen. “It’s James.”
David walked briskly toward the sound of her voice, trying to mask his apprehension
when he took the phone from her hand. When she turned back to the sink he lifted the
phone to his ear.
“Hello.”
“It’s me,” said James.
“Uh ... glad you’re home.”
“I hope you can forgive me.”
“What?”
“For leaving the way I did. I left you hanging. I didn’t realize it then, but David, that was
the most inconsiderate thing I’ve ever done in my life. And I did it to the best friend I
ever had. If you can you forgive me, I think I can make it up to you.”
David turned his back to Linda, in case the tear welling in his eye slipped down his
cheek. “James ...” He struggled to keep his voice normal, “uh ... don’t worry about that.”
After a short silence, James said: “Thank God. I wasn’t sure if I could face you. When
it finally dawned on me what I did, it was all I could think about.”
“So what’s up?”
“Is Linda nearby?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Can you meet me for lunch tomorrow?”
“Yes. Where?”
“That same place be okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Noon?”
“That’s fine,” said David.
“Things might be hectic at the office since I’ve been gone a week. If I’m late I’ll call your
cell phone.”
“Okay.”
“See you then.”
David turned when he heard the click. Linda was looking at him. “Then we can go over
that contract before Monday,” he said into the dead phone before hanging up.
“What was he worried about?” Linda asked.
“Worried?”
“You said something about he didn’t have to worry.”
“Oh ... uh, that he wasn’t here to do that restaurant contract.”
“Bet he’s glad to be home.”
“Sure he is,” he said, avoiding her eyes. “I’ll be in the den.”
David hurried out of the kitchen and went straight to the downstairs bathroom. He
closed the door and turned on the hot water. After wetting a wash-cloth he buried his
face in the damp warmth. He had never felt a stronger sense of relief. James had
asked to be forgiven. Incredible. He couldn’t imagine James needing to be forgiven
for anything, though one thing was certain—hearing the compassion in James’s voice
flooded his sensibilities with some much needed joy.
♦ ♦ ♦
The popular eatery was bustling with the usual lunch rush, people anxious to get a
table, wait-staff rushing to and fro between tables, laughter and loud conversation.
David and James sat glancing at each other for a few moments, their thoughts not yet
connected with words.
James spoke first. “Let’s not get out of here today without eating.”
David smiled and nodded.
James continued: “I was relieved you weren’t disappointed in me.” He shook his head
with self-contempt. “Still can’t believe I did that to you.”
“James, please, I’m the one who sprung the big surprise.”
“All the same...”
“It was the last thing you ever expected to hear. Just didn’t realize it would impact you
that way. When you walked out, I thought you couldn’t deal with it. I felt guilty all week.”
“Guilty? Why?”
“For putting you on the spot.”
“That makes what I did even worse. You came to me in need of a friend. I could see
you were desperate to talk; probably have been for God knows how long. And I walked
out on you.” James reached over and gave his friend’s nervous hand a fleeting
squeeze. “By the time we walk out of here today, I believe you’ll understand why.”
“You don’t owe me any explanations,” said David.
“I disagree. Nevertheless, today I’m the one who needs to talk to someone ... to you.
You laid it on the line, so will I.” He paused for a breath. “It happened in law school. I
shared an apartment with another student. A white guy, same class, planned to be a
lawyer in Boston. We played football and shared an apartment that year. The last
semester, we shared a bed.”
David’s jaw fell open.
A waiter stepped up with two glasses of water and set them on the table. “Give us a
few minutes,” James told him and looked back at David. “Still wonder if I understand?”
David took a sip of water, his thoughts reeling. He stared at James for a moment, then
glanced around the restaurant to let this soak in. He felt a rush of lightheadedness. It
seemed a million questions had suddenly flooded his mind, but he couldn’t think of the
first word to say.
Far better prepared for the course of the conversation, James continued. “That’s why I
went to California. It hit me the same way it’s hitting you right now.”
“Maybe I should to go out there for a week.”
James smiled. “I know exactly what you’re going through.” He paused for a moment to
look at him, adoringly. “Mainly, you worry you’ll be found out. You fear others will
question your masculinity; but you, you’re the most honorable and masculine man I’ve
ever known. You fear your wife will somehow learn your secret, when you love her more
than she’ll ever know. You fear you’ll go crazy one day trying to live out your life in
denial. On the other hand, you’re faced with the worst possible consequences if you
ever decide to act on what seems like a natural human instinct.
“Last week, when you finally took me into your confidence, everything I’ve tried to hide
about myself all these years hit me full force. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know what to
say. All I could think about was getting away to sort things out. What looked utterly
inconsiderate to you felt like near insanity to me. Is it any wonder? Look at me,
married with three daughters and a career to think about. So why is it, when I notice a
good looking hunk, I wonder what he’s like in bed? I figure I’m abnormal or something,
like I’m the only guy out there thinking that way.
“Anyway, it came to me a couple of days ago, during one of the long walks I took on the
beach. I sat down in the sand and stared into the waves and it hit as plain as day.
Realized I have the good fortune of having someone I can talk to. Someone I respect
and trust implicitly. Someone I love and want to support and be supported by. Neither
one of us ever has to feel alone with this predicament again.” James smiled, then
added: “You still looked shocked.”
“What did you say the other day? ‘Shocked? Yes, that’s a good word.’ It’s almost
impossible to believe. You slept with a man for a whole semester! You!”
“I know. Both of us. What are the odds?” James glanced around the dining room.
“Maybe it’s more common than we think. We’re obviously pretty good at hiding it.”
“You damn sure are.”
James smiled again. “I can’t tell you how relieved I am to finally say it and not feel
ashamed or perverted. It really is nice to have someone to talk to.” He studied David’s
inquisitive expression for a moment. “I can see the questions written on your face.”
“What about now, today? That relationship was a long time ago. You were young.
How does it affect you now?”
“It’s always there. Subconsciously most of the time, but there. The right jeans walking
down the street, I catch myself taking a second look. What can I say? Three daughters
still living at home, you know, you bury it. You don’t think about taking chances,
especially these days.”
“You’re talking about AIDS.”
“Of course.” James took a sip of water. “They talk about safe sex. Too risky.
Condoms don’t come with guarantees. I’d kill myself before I’d risk Shasha’s health.
Besides that, there’s the risk of getting caught. No matter how natural it seems to me,
who else would see it that way? Can you imagine your family dealing with something
like this?”
“So you haven’t ... since college?”
“No.” James told him about the call he received from his roommate three years after
graduation.
“He called to see if you wanted to go to bed with him?”
“What do you think?”
“Do you regret not seeing him?”
“I haven’t figured that out yet.”
A smile warmed David’s face. “You do understand, completely.”
“Afraid so.”
“I can’t believe it. I’ve agonized over talking to you for weeks. You don’t know what a
relief this is. I mean, I’m not sure if I’m relieved or concerned that we’re both coping
with the same problem. It took weeks to screw up the courage to confide in you. It got
to where I had to risk it, or lose my mind.”
“You believed talking about it will help keep you from acting on it.”
“Something like that,” said David, staring at his friend as if he were looking at him for
the first time. Curiosity overran his thoughts. “I can’t imagine sleeping with a man
every night for a whole semester.”
James let out a sigh. “It’s nice, David. You’re in a special world. You’re sharing
something with someone apart from everything else. His name was Randal. I’ll
remember that semester as long as I live. Problem is, for guys like you and me
anyway, it doesn’t equal building a family and a lifetime of memories with your wife.”
He studied David’s enthralled expression for a moment, his own curiosity aroused.
“Have you ever...?”
“Nothing as dramatic as sleeping with someone for four months. One time in high
school, in the gym showers. A guy I didn’t know was staring at my cock. I got an
erection. He started masturbating. We ended up doing each other. It’s a wonder we
didn’t get caught.” David looked at his fingernails in thought, recalling another old
memory. “One other time in college. At a party, after some significant pot smoking.
Three coeds, three hormone sated college boys and a dare. The coeds challenged us
to do as we were told for one hour. We accepted. Talk about three girls with
remarkable imaginations. They had us strip naked. After we put on a little strip show,
they got out a ruler and measured us. I lost that contest. Then they had us jack each
other off, but it didn’t stop there. They wanted to see us suck each other for a full sixty
seconds. That night I knew for sure I was attracted to men. Sixty seconds wasn’t
enough.”
“Not enough open-minded coeds around, were there?”
David laughed.
“Nothing since?” asked James.
“No.” A look of relief rested in David’s eyes as he stared at his friend. “I’ll tell you,
James, you’ll never know what this means to me. It’s been like carrying a sack of
bricks on my back. I think I’m finally going to have a little peace.”
“It’s life, but it ain’t simple?”
“I know one thing: I’m gonna have to quit walking around in a daze. Linda’s brought it up
a couple of times lately. She found out about that meeting I missed.”
“How?”
“Shasha told her.”
“Shit. That’s my fault.”
“Didn’t realize my state-of-mind was stamped on my forehead.”
“I told Shasha I was worried about you and mentioned that meeting. Should have
known she’d take it to Linda. I’ll straighten it out.”
“Don’t worry about it. I won’t be walking around in a daze any more, thanks to you.”
David reached up to rub the back of his neck, debating something he had not planned
to mention. It felt awkward, but he decided to take the chance. “There’s more.”
James sat up a bit straighter, attentive, wondering what else David could possibly add
to his latest revelation. “More?”
“The other half of my confession.”
James stared at him for a moment. “I’m all ears.”
“I’m attracted to you. Have been since we met.”
James skipped a breath. His face warmed. His undeniable attraction for David had
not led him to assume it would necessarily be mutual. But then, why not? If David’s
appetite included men, why not him? It really wasn’t surprising, but it instantly added
another complicated element to their relationship, one that would be difficult to deal
with. “I’m flattered,” he said. At a loss to add more, he simply asked: “Why me? And
in the spirit of this conversation’s momentum, can you possibly imagine anything ever
coming of it?”
“Why you? You’re kidding, right? If you like hearing it, I’ll say it, but I think you already
know. I don’t believe you can be a damn near perfect specimen of manhood and not
know it. Have you ever looked in the mirror and found a single flaw? Found anything
you might change about yourself? I doubt it.”
“That’s a bit much, David. I’d easily give up two inches off my waistline.”
“Shit!”
“I would!”
“Okay, that’s fine. Two inches. Big deal.”
“It’s a big deal to me!”
David drew a breath, pondering his next question. “Guess I might as well stick my neck
out a little further. I’m wondering, in the spirit of this conversation, are...”
“You want to know if I’m attracted to you, right?”
“Just curious.”
James paused to consider the question. The phrase opening a Pandora’s box had
suddenly taken on a very real meaning. “You really think we should venture into territory
that risky?”
“Actually, James, it’s more than curiosity. I’d really like to know. I believe we can talk
about these things without letting it go any further.”
“Alright,” he said, releasing a long sigh. “Wow. This is like standing on a cliff fifty feet
above the water, trying to screw up the courage to dive in. Well, my friend, I’m diving
in. ...I’m not only attracted to you, I sometimes get gooseflesh just looking at you.” He
paused and rubbed his eyes and then looked up with a weary smile. “We work out
together three times a week, right?” David nodded. “Afterwards, we shower before
getting dressed. Haven’t you noticed I usually turn my back to you?”
“Yeah, I have.”
“I’m afraid of getting an erection.”
Shivers ran across David’s forearms. “And I thought you were modest or something,”
he said. “So you turn your back and I find myself staring at your ass.”
“It won’t be easy showering with you anymore. Jesus, nothing about this is gonna be
easy. Maybe talking openly like this will take some of the edge off.”
“Maybe so.” Feeling relaxed for the first time in a week, David slid down in his chair a
bit and crossed his ankles under the table. A full week of anxiety had turned into
elation. He felt an urge to take James’s hand, but of course resisted. “All these years
we’ve known each other—why didn’t we know?”
“It’s the kind of thing you get real good at hiding, even from your best friend.”
“It’s still hard to believe. I suddenly feel twenty years old.”
“That’s the problem I have with you—you don’t look much older than that. There may be
a little gray in your hair, but the average thirty year old would envy your body.” James
paused, then added: “Remember last fall when we were in Cancun? One morning I
was walking out of the surf. We were wearing those Speedos our wives came up with.
The girls were still in the hotel and you were sitting in a beach chair. I caught you
staring at me. That look in your eyes. I had the oddest feeling I was picking up some
sort of a message.”
“Now you know what I was thinking ... but I didn’t realize I was blatantly staring.”
“You were, and I knew. At least I thought I did. It affected me all day. It was the first
time I seriously considered the possibility that ... well, that you might be like me. Before
that it was just crazy fantasies, stuff like wondering what it would be like to go to bed
with you; but that day ... what I saw in your eyes made it seem like more than a
fantasy. I even thought about saying something.”
The waiter approached the table with an order book in hand.
“Chicken salad and Heineken for me,” said David.
“Grilled salmon and coffee,” said James.
David took another sip of water and waited for the waiter to leave. “So you wanted to
say something but didn’t?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t. Didn’t have the nerve. I thought about hinting around, try to get a
read on you without saying anything specific. Couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t
give me away. I would’ve never been the first to confess.” James was fiddling with a
spoon. “You didn’t answer the other part of my question.”
“The other part?”
“Can you imagine anything happening between you and me?”
“Yes ... I can.” David paused. He felt a lightness in his chest as he contemplated the
answer. “Nothing superficial, but something meaningful. I can imagine our friendship
going to a new level, separate from our business affairs. We’d have to be careful, not
let it interfere with our daily lives; but yes, I can imagine something I would cherish.”
A pleasant chill came to the back of James’s neck. He closed his eyes and took in a
deep breath. “That’s the answer I was afraid of.”
“You didn’t expect me to say it?” said David, relaxed against the chair-back. His whole
world had changed in less time than it took to order lunch.
“Guess I did. And that makes us vulnerable because I feel the same way, but...”
The waiter stepped up with coffee.
They sat quietly for a moment. David’s response promised to be the most difficult
issue James ever wrestled with. What he had spent a lifetime trying to suppress was
now simmering in his hands.
James waited until the waiter moved to the next table: “Now you know how I feel, but I
can’t imagine acting on this and then have to face Shasha when I get home. Even if it
doesn’t seem wrong to me, it would devastate her. It’s damn easy to predict the
consequences if we got caught.”
David nodded. “Yeah. That’s what I hate the most. The concept of worrying about
getting caught. It’s too much like a soap opera. Makes you wonder why something that
seems so natural has such ugly connotations. It’s got some complicated psychology,
and comes with a price. You pay just thinking about it. Guilt.”
“I’ve got a taste of that already,” James replied.
“Well, I’ve tried to pretend it doesn’t exist. But like you said, it’s always there. Then
guilt kicks in when Linda enters the equation. It’s like a reoccurring nightmare. I see a
tight ass—the fantasies unfold. Next thing I know, I’m sitting across the table from her
trying to explain. I don’t even know how she’d interpret it. Infidelity? Unnatural? It’s the
worst possible scenario. All I know is it’s there.” He paused then added: “When I
talked to you last week, I had just about decided to take the chance.”
James looked down at the table.
“I know what you’re thinking. I swear, I’ve agonized over it. I don’t see it as infidelity.
It's not. Infidelity is the whore-hound looking for another score, or the guy who simply
won’t resist a tempting secretary. This is different. It doesn’t reflect on your wife as a
woman. It’s an issue in itself. Part of being a man, at least men like us.”
“I’ve come up with those same arguments a thousand times.”
“Then you know what I mean. Living on the edge is no way to be a good husband.
Trying to deny who I am interferes with being the man I’d like to be for her.” David
cocked his head sideways. “You’re looking at me funny.”
James shrugged.
“I know ... you think acting on it believing I’d be a better husband sounds insane; but I
don’t see why, unless you think denial is a good option.”
“Who are you arguing with, me or yourself?” James asked. “Even if I agree, our wives
would see nothing but worthless justifications. To act on it now?” He pressed the
bridge of his nose as if a pain rested just behind his eyes. “God David, I don’t know.
Think of the risk. Fantasizing about a male lover, about you, is one thing; actually
taking the step is another.” He looked down at David’s hand resting on the table. “At
least talking about it has given me a sense of relief. Shit, I almost feel dizzy.”
When their lunches arrived, David looked around the loud dining room, the lively buzz of
conversation and laughter, the crowd waiting at the door for a table. “No wonder this
place is always busy,” he said, picking up his fork. “The food here is delicious.” He
watched James take a bite of fish. “Our world sure has changed since we were here
last week. I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted you to know and accept me for
who I am. What a surprise. It’s like we’re out to sea, adrift, and neither one of us
knows what to do. One thing is certain though: If I acted on it now, I’d want it to be with
you.”
“David ... damn!” James looked away in frustration. “You sure know how to stoke the
fire I’ve been trying to put out for a long time. Why not just stake me out on an anthill?”
“But you feel the same way.”
“Think so? Just because I spent a whole day out in California thinking about what it
would be like to ... well, to make love with you. We’re both married. That part’s easy to
figure out. Shasha might let me live, but it wouldn’t be in her house.”
James sipped his coffee and continued: “I don’t see it as infidelity either. Shasha
would. I’d lose her, which is exactly why I’ve been trying to bury this itch. But you can’t
bury it. All this time I figured I’ve been saddled with a rare affliction. You hear men
joking about sissy boys and queers, and you’re thinking: They’re talking about guys like
me. You know what they’d say if they ever found out. But maybe it’s not so rare, or
abnormal.” James shrugged. “Things were different in other eras. The Romans for
example. They considered it normal. What happened? Two thousand years later we
call it abnormal. Fuck that. I’m tired of feeling abnormal. Truth is, in all honesty I’m not
so sure I want to go to my grave wondering what might have been.”
David smiled. It wasn’t completely clear yet, but he sensed a special closeness in their
future. It seemed, as he sat in his friend’s gaze, they were reading into each other’s
thoughts.
James’s frustration faded. “David,” he said, his tone heartfelt, “promise you won’t do
anything without talking to me first.”
“I won’t.”
“Then we can go through this together? Just you and me?”
David nodded. “That’s right. Just you and me.”
