| Chapter 10 |
The following Friday, David, James and Tim arrived at the Hyatt Regency early. They were
sitting around a low table near the back of the atrium.
Wearing his red shirt, David looked at Tim. “So James told you what our wives have
planned for this Saturday.”
Tim lowered his head, nodding with a grin.
“Don’t laugh. Rosemary will be their age one day. You might as well accept it. You too will
be faced with a middle age female.” David pulled the three letters from his pocket.
“Brought these along so you could read them before these guys show up.”
Three or four minutes later Tim handed them back. “I’m intrigued.”
“I’ll be glad to have this behind us. It’s nerve racking.”
James noticed a man across the atrium that seemed to be looking for someone. When
David stood up in the red shirt, the man headed straight in his direction. He approached
with a grin, gray ponytail, two inches of belly resting on his belt buckle, shoulders exposed
in a sleeveless shirt, each arm suffering a tattoo. David was almost compelled to take out
the letter and reread it. The moment had turned awkward—he was speechless. So was
James. Their attention shifted from the man to Tim when he stood abruptly and extended
his hand.
“I’m Peter. Are you David?” the man said, taking Tim’s hand.
“No. David isn’t here. Since he knew you were coming, he asked me to meet you. If I
could have gotten in touch with you, I could’ve saved you the trip. Turns out there’s been a
change of plan. David wanted me to ask if he should keep your letter in the event we
pursue this in the future.”
The man looked at the red shirt. “He’s not David?”
“No. He wore that shirt so you could find us. So would you like your letter filed or
destroyed?”
The man’s eyes shifted back to Tim. “Uh ... why would I want it laying around?”
Tim extended his hand again. “I understand. The letter will be destroyed. Sorry I couldn’t
get in touch, but I appreciate you taking the time to come.”
The man glanced once more at the red shirt, and then took Tim’s hand. “Sure, yeah, guess
I’ll see ya’ later.”
The man turned and walked away, followed by three pairs of eyes. David and Tim sat back
down. Still wordless, David looked at his young blond companion.
“Quick on his feet, ain’t he?” said James.
David nodded.
“Sorry. But the mismatch was rather obvious. Thought I’d spare you guys the chore of
getting rid of our tattooed friend.”
“Suppose I shouldn’t kiss him in a public place,” David muttered.
“If he was a lawyer, he could write his own check,” James added.
“Thanks for the compliments, gentlemen, but I think I’ll stay with laying brick.”
“Damn!” David said, looking toward the escalator. “Thought I screened the letters better
than that.”
“Maybe we’ll have better luck with the next one,” said Tim. “I forgot his name.”
“The guy’s name is Jake,” said James.
David looked at his watch. “We have thirty minutes to kill before he gets here. Let’s get
some lunch.”
They walked over to the café for salads. Returning to the atrium, they spotted the man due
to arrive at one o’clock. He looked just like his picture. David approached him first,
followed by Tim and James.
“You look like a man I’ve seen in a picture recently,” David said.
The man’s eyes, glazed with apprehension, glanced across the three faces looking back at
him. He was obviously nervous. Some thirty pounds overweight with nondescript features,
Jake could not be considered attractive. Yet there was something about him, perhaps his
disarming face or the crinkles at the corners of his eyes, or the cordial way he forced a
nervous smile that all three found engaging.
“You must be David,” he said, labored words from a dry throat.
“That’s right.” David extended his hand. “This is James and Tim.”
They all shook hands.
“I’m Jake.”
David nodded toward the back of the atrium. “Well Jake, why don’t we use those chairs
back there.”
David started the process when they were seated. “We all enjoyed your letter. Glad you
could come today.”
Jake smiled weakly. “Jeez, I’m nervous.” His eyes wouldn’t settle. He was glancing
around the atrium. David wondered if he was worried about being seen.
“Don’t worry, my friend, we’re all a little nervous. It’ll be easier here in a minute.” David
paused to look at him, then asked: “So you responded to an ad before?”
“A long time ago,” Jake said with a hint of relief, as if he welcomed a diversion from
thinking about what he was actually doing. “It didn’t work out. Guess it’s been about ten
years. We saw each other off and on for about a year. He really was a great guy. Wasn’t
easy to break it off.”
David glanced at James. He was beginning to like Jake already. “You were already
married then. What happened?”
Jake swallowed dryly. “Seems that was the sticking point. I don’t want to sound corny, but I
fell in love with him. Problem was, he wasn’t married. No interest in women at all. He was
gay. He couldn’t understand why I loved Sally, uh, Sally is my wife...” Jake’s words seemed
to catch in his throat.
David put his hand on his knee with a supportive squeeze, aware Jake was still emotional
about his old lover. “Listen, buddy. We were already your friends before you came up that
escalator. Relax. We’re all on the same road here. Anything you say will fall on
sympathetic ears while you’re with us.”
Jake nodded. “I think that’s what’s getting to me.”
“It’s okay.” David gave him a moment and then continued. “You were telling us about your
lover.”
Sitting upright near the edge of his chair, Jake wiped his moist eyes on the back of his
hand. “He knew how I felt about him. That’s why he couldn’t understand why I wanted to
stay married. It got worse in time. He wanted me to leave my wife and live with him, but
that was impossible.”
Tim brushed his nose with his finger, wondering how many of these stories were out there.
James was thinking about the men he saw everyday, colleagues and clients, the strangers
he saw in passing, wondering what lie beneath their masculine facades. How many were
like Jake? By looking at him, no one would guess he once had a male lover. He watched
the calming affect David had on him, feeling lucky to have such a friend.
“Sounds like a tough situation, hard to get over,” said David.
Jake drew a deep breath and released it and looked down between his knees. His
emotions had transitioned. The here and now had been stolen by a memory. “I’m not sure I
ever got over it.”
David studied the selfless lines of his face, the disarming features that made him both
interesting and affable. He felt an immediate affinity for him. “I bet you have a few
questions.”
Jake nodded.
“Before we get to them, let me tell you what we’re trying to do. Then we’d like to get to
know you a little better. Just let me know if I’m getting too personal.” David went on to
describe the purpose of the group and the Thursday night poker game. He concluded by
saying: “We were touched by your letter. You mentioned the food service industry. What
sector are you in?”
“I own a restaurant. Jake’s Prime Rib.”
David’s enthusiasm heightened. “You’re kidding! You own Jake’s! You can’t get in that
place!”
Jake let out a breath of relief. For the moment he had forgotten his misgivings. He
beamed. “People tell me we run a tight ship over there.” He scanned the smiling faces and
added: “My private table’s in back of the dining room. You guys are welcome to use it
anytime.”
Then Jake’s expression dimmed, as if his emotions were a light-switch being played with
by a child.
David noticed and placed his hand on his shoulder. “I’ve been on that same rollercoaster,
buddy. Still take an occasional ride.”
“It’s nothing...” Jake looked up, “well, it’s not that I’m lonely. I’m not. I’m happily married and
I have a ... let’s say an interesting wife. Even so, sometimes I feel like I’m alone. You want
to be yourself but there’s no one to talk to. That’s why I came today, even though your ad
seemed too good to be true.”
David squeezed his shoulder. “That’s what I thought when James told me he’s bisexual.
Fact is you’ve made three new friends today, and not just because you own one of the best
restaurants in town.”
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to…” He closed his eyes and then started over. “I
thought I’d never have a chance to talk about this stuff, not with another man anyway.
Figured I’d end up seeing a psychologist.”
David smiled. “I’m not sure a psychologist is what guys like us need, unless he has a queer
side.”
Jake glanced across the amiable faces staring back at him.
“Tell us about your wife,” James suggested.
Jake smiled again. “Her name is Sally ... uh, sorry; I already said that.” Embarrassed by
his awkwardness, he rubbed a spot on his forehead as he continued. “She runs the kitchen
at the restaurant. Like me, she’s put on a few pounds over the years; but the older we get,
the more I love having her. We met when we were both working at a steak house. After a
couple years, we decided to quit and go into business together.” He paused, blushing.
“Spent so much time screwing in the kitchen, we decided to go ahead and get married; you
know, get the monkey business out of our system when we were home at night. Been on a
honeymoon ever since. And that’s what makes it all so confusing. We love each other as
much as the day we got married, and I’m out doing something like this.”
“Guilt,” said David. “We’re all familiar with that.”
“Yeah. Guilt. It’s part of my life.”
“Jake, it’s true we all feel guilty,” Tim put in. “I suppose we could’ve avoided marriage, but
where would we be then? There might be a man in our lives, but we’d still have something
missing. We’d still yearn for the kind of love you can only get from a woman. You’d want a
wife and family. The same heartache in a different form. So we knew this and we got
married. We have wives. We have to deal with this other side apart from our marriage. All
you can do is try to keep it in perspective and go on. You’ll find the pieces of this puzzle
really can fit together in spite of the risk. You just have to find a way to live with the guilt.”
All eyes were on Tim. Youthful as he was, it seemed every time he opened his mouth he
said something insightful. James smiled, as if to say he was no longer surprised by Tim's
perceptive logic. David continued to be fascinated by him. He noticed Jake staring at
him. “Trust me,” David said, nodding at Tim. “Wit isn’t his only talent.”
“Maybe this isn’t too good to be true,” Jake said thoughtfully, finally allowing himself a few
expectations.
Tim smiled. “It will be for us, if we can get into your restaurant without waiting an hour.”
“He’s right,” James added. “Every time I want a good steak, I think about your place.”
Jake reached up to rub his eye. It appeared he had loosened up.
“Anyway,” David said, “we’ve agreed to some rules. We’re calling them our by-laws.” He
went over the rules with Jake, concluding with: “No exceptions to the HIV test.”
“That was one of my questions,” said Jake. “Doesn’t hurt to play it safe.”
“Will Sally be all right with the poker game?”
“Yeah. I used to play all the time. The only drawback I can think of is she’ll want to know
how I met you guys.”
James crossed his legs. He was beginning to believe they might find their five men. “Jake,
don’t you hire professionals to maintain the landscaping around your restaurant?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Tim’s in the landscape business. What if you called him for a competitive bid? You could
say you got his number out of the book. When he came out to look at the job, you got to
talking and the poker game came up. He invited you to play.”
Jake agreed. “That would work.” Though he was beginning to relax, he still seemed to
have something on his mind.
“Pays to have a lawyer around, don’t you think?” said David.
“I don’t know what to say,” Jake said after a short silence. “I kinda feel like ... I’m … I don’t
know how to say it”
David wondered why he seemed hesitant. “What is it, Jake?”
“It’s just ... look at you guys. Look at me. I’m losing my hair. I’m out of shape.”
“Jake, I hope you don’t think we’re a superficial bunch. Don’t forget we saw your picture
before we invited you here. Speaking for myself, I liked you right away. Don’t sell yourself
short, buddy. There’s something about you that people automatically like.” David turned to
James. “You agree?”
“He’s right,” said James. “I’m glad you came today.”
David looked back at Jake. “I know you’re nervous. We all are. But none of us chose our
circumstances. That’s what I like most about this, just knowing I can be with other men like
me from time to time. It’s nice. We’re not doing it just for the sex. It’s nice getting naked
and hanging around together and being with men who think alike.”
The tension had softened on Jake’s face. “I still can’t believe it.”
David looked at Tim. The young man lifted his fist with the thumb up. He looked at James
and James nodded. He looked back at Jake. “So, we use a clinic in Oaklawn for the HIV
test. They’re discreet. Will you have time to pay them a visit before Thursday night?”
Jake smiled. “Give me the address and I’ll go Monday morning.”
“West side of Oaklawn, between Throckmorton and Lemon.”
Four men stood and then shook hands all around. Tim pulled Jake in for a quick hug. Then
David looked at his watch.
“Jake,” he said, “are you pressed for time today?”
“Not really.”
“We have one more meeting. The guy is due in ten minutes. Wanna stay?”
“Sure.”
James sat back down. “He seemed promising. Wouldn’t it be a piece of luck if we could
finish this up today?”
A few minutes later, James was first to see the next appointment appear on the escalator.
Squinting across the distance, he said: “He looks younger in person than he does in his
picture.”
David came to his feet and watched him approach. “I hope he’s not anything like those
stuffy banker types I hate.”
“I’ve got a good feel about him,” said Tim. “A lot came through in his letter.”
“I thought so, too,” said James.
The man spotted David’s red shirt, his stature an expression of self-assurance, his coal
black hair clean and swept back, his skin olive, his features distinctly European. He wore
black Armani slacks and a flowing beige silk shirt with raglan sleeves. There was an
inquisitive, playful look in his dark brown eyes.
“No, he doesn’t remind me of any banker I’ve ever known,” David said, ready to extend his
hand as the man neared.
He approached with an upbeat grin. “I’ve counted only one red shirt in this room. You must
be the man I’m looking for. My name is Jorge.”
David smiled and took the man’s hand. “I’m David.” He turned to his right. “That’s Jake,
Tim, and James. Thanks for coming.”
A sparkle alive in his eyes, Jorge nodded at each man. “Thanks for inviting me. After
reading your message in the paper, I had an odd feeling it was written by someone who
already knew me.”
David smiled again and offered him a chair. The five men sat quietly for a moment,
glancing from one to another. David felt good about how things were going; he enjoyed the
company of like-minded men. After exchanging a few comments about downtown traffic
and the weather, David said: “Well Jorge, just guessing, but I’d say there could have been
any number of loves in your life, judging by your dashing appearance.”
Jorge’s laugh came with the same flair as his sense of style. “Only one, my friend, if you’re
referring to someone other than my wife.”
“I am. You’ll have to forgive me for jumping right in. No doubt these other guys are as
anxious to hear about it as I am.”
“No need to apologize. I’m afraid I’ve never had an opportunity to speak openly among
friends. You don’t know how delighted I am.” He paused to glance across a small group of
attentive faces. He began with a sigh. “It lasted only a year and ended not long ago, in
New York, where I lived most of my adult life. He was young, not much older than Tim here.
It was a discreet affair, and quite intense. He was married, but I suppose he shouldn’t have
been. His marriage eroded from the onset and he eventually confessed that he wasn’t
attracted to her, or any woman for that matter. I believe he got married for social and family
reasons.
“During our time together my anxiety increased in proportion to his emotional problems.
His self-control began to deteriorate. Drugs mainly. It seemed my life revolved around
trying to help him. After several months it became obvious he posed a threat to my
marriage.” Jorge paused and stared down at the floor for a moment, as if he were dealing
with a painful memory. “He showed up at my office one day, strung out, wanting money of
course. He knew he could get anything he wanted from me. Until then, my office had been
off limits. I worried my wife would become a victim to all of this. I worried about losing her.
The saddest day in my life was the day I drove him to a hospital in upstate New York. He
died there of a drug overdose just before my wife and I moved to Dallas. Much of it was a
wonderful experience, but it came to a tragic end. I assumed I could never take such risks
again, until I read your ad.”
“Good lord, Jorge,” said David. “Sounds like you went through an ordeal.”
“I did. It was a private clinic. I believed they could help him. I know I’ve spoken casually
about this, but it wasn’t that long ago I couldn’t have. It affected me to the degree my wife
thought I was suffering an emotional breakdown.” He paused and glanced at each of them.
“Other than my long marriage to Michelle, it was the happiest experience of my life. Then
turned into the saddest.”
“That’s tough,” said David. “You’re story reflects reason enough for coming. Seems there’s
no end to frustration for guys like us. That’s why James and I wanted to put this group
together, to deal with that sort of thing. It’s nice to be around men you identify with, and to
acknowledge and explore your sexuality.”
“Truthfully,” said Jorge, “since he was gay it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It’s
understandable why a gay man would be discouraged being involved with a married man.”
James spoke: “Jorge, sorry you had to go through that. Gracious of you to share it. We
were impressed by your letter. I’m glad we have a chance to get to know you.”
“Tell us more about you, Jorge,” David suggested.
“Of course.” Jorge looked from one man to the next as he spoke, as if he were sizing them
up. “I was born in the US within a year after my parents arrived from Spain. My education
was by the grace of the United States Navy, where I spent six years in the Seals. After
moving to New York, I got into the investment business and over the years have had the
good dumb luck of getting into and out of a few deals at the right time. I brought Michelle to
Dallas, in part, to help forget... ” He paused and smiled without completing the statement.
David smiled with compassion and nodded.
“Thanks for understanding, my friend,” said Jorge.
“You’ve had only one male lover?” David asked.
“There were a few experiences in the Navy, but no others since. I’ve been aware of my
sexuality since I was a boy.”
“Was your lover promiscuous?”
“I know what you’re getting at, and I don’t think he was. Never-the-less, I’ve tested negative
for all STDs since the last time I was intimate with him.”
David scratched his head in thought. “Well Jorge, you’re rich, you’ve been a Navy Seal, you
look like a Spanish count and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re well hung. Think you’d fit in?
We all have flaws.”
Jorge laughed. “Let me assure you—behind this calm façade is a mass of tight nerves.
What you think you see could be deceptive. In truth, I often feel like a small boy hoping
someone will come along and stroke the side of my face.”
David had already received positive signals from James and Tim. He paused for a
moment, thinking about how it felt to be sitting among a small group of men he could relate
to sexually and emotionally. The effect felt warm inside. He looked at Jorge. “When you
join us next Thursday night, you’ll be with men who think the same way you do. A void in
your life will be filled. You’ll feel a sense of relief having friends you can talk to, who
understand and care. Guilt is the price, but past that, the peace of mind is enormous.”
David continued. He described the poker game premise and explained the by-laws, and
he went on to tell him about the others, adding: “Jake came on-board just before you
arrived. He was the fourth. Five is our goal. I’m certain I speak for the others by inviting
you to join us.”
Jorge closed his eyes and drew in a long breath. “I’m honored. It never occurred to me a
group of men would get together like this. I’ll be there Thursday night, ready for the
experience you described. I believe I’ve had a taste of it already.”
sitting around a low table near the back of the atrium.
Wearing his red shirt, David looked at Tim. “So James told you what our wives have
planned for this Saturday.”
Tim lowered his head, nodding with a grin.
“Don’t laugh. Rosemary will be their age one day. You might as well accept it. You too will
be faced with a middle age female.” David pulled the three letters from his pocket.
“Brought these along so you could read them before these guys show up.”
Three or four minutes later Tim handed them back. “I’m intrigued.”
“I’ll be glad to have this behind us. It’s nerve racking.”
James noticed a man across the atrium that seemed to be looking for someone. When
David stood up in the red shirt, the man headed straight in his direction. He approached
with a grin, gray ponytail, two inches of belly resting on his belt buckle, shoulders exposed
in a sleeveless shirt, each arm suffering a tattoo. David was almost compelled to take out
the letter and reread it. The moment had turned awkward—he was speechless. So was
James. Their attention shifted from the man to Tim when he stood abruptly and extended
his hand.
“I’m Peter. Are you David?” the man said, taking Tim’s hand.
“No. David isn’t here. Since he knew you were coming, he asked me to meet you. If I
could have gotten in touch with you, I could’ve saved you the trip. Turns out there’s been a
change of plan. David wanted me to ask if he should keep your letter in the event we
pursue this in the future.”
The man looked at the red shirt. “He’s not David?”
“No. He wore that shirt so you could find us. So would you like your letter filed or
destroyed?”
The man’s eyes shifted back to Tim. “Uh ... why would I want it laying around?”
Tim extended his hand again. “I understand. The letter will be destroyed. Sorry I couldn’t
get in touch, but I appreciate you taking the time to come.”
The man glanced once more at the red shirt, and then took Tim’s hand. “Sure, yeah, guess
I’ll see ya’ later.”
The man turned and walked away, followed by three pairs of eyes. David and Tim sat back
down. Still wordless, David looked at his young blond companion.
“Quick on his feet, ain’t he?” said James.
David nodded.
“Sorry. But the mismatch was rather obvious. Thought I’d spare you guys the chore of
getting rid of our tattooed friend.”
“Suppose I shouldn’t kiss him in a public place,” David muttered.
“If he was a lawyer, he could write his own check,” James added.
“Thanks for the compliments, gentlemen, but I think I’ll stay with laying brick.”
“Damn!” David said, looking toward the escalator. “Thought I screened the letters better
than that.”
“Maybe we’ll have better luck with the next one,” said Tim. “I forgot his name.”
“The guy’s name is Jake,” said James.
David looked at his watch. “We have thirty minutes to kill before he gets here. Let’s get
some lunch.”
They walked over to the café for salads. Returning to the atrium, they spotted the man due
to arrive at one o’clock. He looked just like his picture. David approached him first,
followed by Tim and James.
“You look like a man I’ve seen in a picture recently,” David said.
The man’s eyes, glazed with apprehension, glanced across the three faces looking back at
him. He was obviously nervous. Some thirty pounds overweight with nondescript features,
Jake could not be considered attractive. Yet there was something about him, perhaps his
disarming face or the crinkles at the corners of his eyes, or the cordial way he forced a
nervous smile that all three found engaging.
“You must be David,” he said, labored words from a dry throat.
“That’s right.” David extended his hand. “This is James and Tim.”
They all shook hands.
“I’m Jake.”
David nodded toward the back of the atrium. “Well Jake, why don’t we use those chairs
back there.”
David started the process when they were seated. “We all enjoyed your letter. Glad you
could come today.”
Jake smiled weakly. “Jeez, I’m nervous.” His eyes wouldn’t settle. He was glancing
around the atrium. David wondered if he was worried about being seen.
“Don’t worry, my friend, we’re all a little nervous. It’ll be easier here in a minute.” David
paused to look at him, then asked: “So you responded to an ad before?”
“A long time ago,” Jake said with a hint of relief, as if he welcomed a diversion from
thinking about what he was actually doing. “It didn’t work out. Guess it’s been about ten
years. We saw each other off and on for about a year. He really was a great guy. Wasn’t
easy to break it off.”
David glanced at James. He was beginning to like Jake already. “You were already
married then. What happened?”
Jake swallowed dryly. “Seems that was the sticking point. I don’t want to sound corny, but I
fell in love with him. Problem was, he wasn’t married. No interest in women at all. He was
gay. He couldn’t understand why I loved Sally, uh, Sally is my wife...” Jake’s words seemed
to catch in his throat.
David put his hand on his knee with a supportive squeeze, aware Jake was still emotional
about his old lover. “Listen, buddy. We were already your friends before you came up that
escalator. Relax. We’re all on the same road here. Anything you say will fall on
sympathetic ears while you’re with us.”
Jake nodded. “I think that’s what’s getting to me.”
“It’s okay.” David gave him a moment and then continued. “You were telling us about your
lover.”
Sitting upright near the edge of his chair, Jake wiped his moist eyes on the back of his
hand. “He knew how I felt about him. That’s why he couldn’t understand why I wanted to
stay married. It got worse in time. He wanted me to leave my wife and live with him, but
that was impossible.”
Tim brushed his nose with his finger, wondering how many of these stories were out there.
James was thinking about the men he saw everyday, colleagues and clients, the strangers
he saw in passing, wondering what lie beneath their masculine facades. How many were
like Jake? By looking at him, no one would guess he once had a male lover. He watched
the calming affect David had on him, feeling lucky to have such a friend.
“Sounds like a tough situation, hard to get over,” said David.
Jake drew a deep breath and released it and looked down between his knees. His
emotions had transitioned. The here and now had been stolen by a memory. “I’m not sure I
ever got over it.”
David studied the selfless lines of his face, the disarming features that made him both
interesting and affable. He felt an immediate affinity for him. “I bet you have a few
questions.”
Jake nodded.
“Before we get to them, let me tell you what we’re trying to do. Then we’d like to get to
know you a little better. Just let me know if I’m getting too personal.” David went on to
describe the purpose of the group and the Thursday night poker game. He concluded by
saying: “We were touched by your letter. You mentioned the food service industry. What
sector are you in?”
“I own a restaurant. Jake’s Prime Rib.”
David’s enthusiasm heightened. “You’re kidding! You own Jake’s! You can’t get in that
place!”
Jake let out a breath of relief. For the moment he had forgotten his misgivings. He
beamed. “People tell me we run a tight ship over there.” He scanned the smiling faces and
added: “My private table’s in back of the dining room. You guys are welcome to use it
anytime.”
Then Jake’s expression dimmed, as if his emotions were a light-switch being played with
by a child.
David noticed and placed his hand on his shoulder. “I’ve been on that same rollercoaster,
buddy. Still take an occasional ride.”
“It’s nothing...” Jake looked up, “well, it’s not that I’m lonely. I’m not. I’m happily married and
I have a ... let’s say an interesting wife. Even so, sometimes I feel like I’m alone. You want
to be yourself but there’s no one to talk to. That’s why I came today, even though your ad
seemed too good to be true.”
David squeezed his shoulder. “That’s what I thought when James told me he’s bisexual.
Fact is you’ve made three new friends today, and not just because you own one of the best
restaurants in town.”
“You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to…” He closed his eyes and then started over. “I
thought I’d never have a chance to talk about this stuff, not with another man anyway.
Figured I’d end up seeing a psychologist.”
David smiled. “I’m not sure a psychologist is what guys like us need, unless he has a queer
side.”
Jake glanced across the amiable faces staring back at him.
“Tell us about your wife,” James suggested.
Jake smiled again. “Her name is Sally ... uh, sorry; I already said that.” Embarrassed by
his awkwardness, he rubbed a spot on his forehead as he continued. “She runs the kitchen
at the restaurant. Like me, she’s put on a few pounds over the years; but the older we get,
the more I love having her. We met when we were both working at a steak house. After a
couple years, we decided to quit and go into business together.” He paused, blushing.
“Spent so much time screwing in the kitchen, we decided to go ahead and get married; you
know, get the monkey business out of our system when we were home at night. Been on a
honeymoon ever since. And that’s what makes it all so confusing. We love each other as
much as the day we got married, and I’m out doing something like this.”
“Guilt,” said David. “We’re all familiar with that.”
“Yeah. Guilt. It’s part of my life.”
“Jake, it’s true we all feel guilty,” Tim put in. “I suppose we could’ve avoided marriage, but
where would we be then? There might be a man in our lives, but we’d still have something
missing. We’d still yearn for the kind of love you can only get from a woman. You’d want a
wife and family. The same heartache in a different form. So we knew this and we got
married. We have wives. We have to deal with this other side apart from our marriage. All
you can do is try to keep it in perspective and go on. You’ll find the pieces of this puzzle
really can fit together in spite of the risk. You just have to find a way to live with the guilt.”
All eyes were on Tim. Youthful as he was, it seemed every time he opened his mouth he
said something insightful. James smiled, as if to say he was no longer surprised by Tim's
perceptive logic. David continued to be fascinated by him. He noticed Jake staring at
him. “Trust me,” David said, nodding at Tim. “Wit isn’t his only talent.”
“Maybe this isn’t too good to be true,” Jake said thoughtfully, finally allowing himself a few
expectations.
Tim smiled. “It will be for us, if we can get into your restaurant without waiting an hour.”
“He’s right,” James added. “Every time I want a good steak, I think about your place.”
Jake reached up to rub his eye. It appeared he had loosened up.
“Anyway,” David said, “we’ve agreed to some rules. We’re calling them our by-laws.” He
went over the rules with Jake, concluding with: “No exceptions to the HIV test.”
“That was one of my questions,” said Jake. “Doesn’t hurt to play it safe.”
“Will Sally be all right with the poker game?”
“Yeah. I used to play all the time. The only drawback I can think of is she’ll want to know
how I met you guys.”
James crossed his legs. He was beginning to believe they might find their five men. “Jake,
don’t you hire professionals to maintain the landscaping around your restaurant?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Tim’s in the landscape business. What if you called him for a competitive bid? You could
say you got his number out of the book. When he came out to look at the job, you got to
talking and the poker game came up. He invited you to play.”
Jake agreed. “That would work.” Though he was beginning to relax, he still seemed to
have something on his mind.
“Pays to have a lawyer around, don’t you think?” said David.
“I don’t know what to say,” Jake said after a short silence. “I kinda feel like ... I’m … I don’t
know how to say it”
David wondered why he seemed hesitant. “What is it, Jake?”
“It’s just ... look at you guys. Look at me. I’m losing my hair. I’m out of shape.”
“Jake, I hope you don’t think we’re a superficial bunch. Don’t forget we saw your picture
before we invited you here. Speaking for myself, I liked you right away. Don’t sell yourself
short, buddy. There’s something about you that people automatically like.” David turned to
James. “You agree?”
“He’s right,” said James. “I’m glad you came today.”
David looked back at Jake. “I know you’re nervous. We all are. But none of us chose our
circumstances. That’s what I like most about this, just knowing I can be with other men like
me from time to time. It’s nice. We’re not doing it just for the sex. It’s nice getting naked
and hanging around together and being with men who think alike.”
The tension had softened on Jake’s face. “I still can’t believe it.”
David looked at Tim. The young man lifted his fist with the thumb up. He looked at James
and James nodded. He looked back at Jake. “So, we use a clinic in Oaklawn for the HIV
test. They’re discreet. Will you have time to pay them a visit before Thursday night?”
Jake smiled. “Give me the address and I’ll go Monday morning.”
“West side of Oaklawn, between Throckmorton and Lemon.”
Four men stood and then shook hands all around. Tim pulled Jake in for a quick hug. Then
David looked at his watch.
“Jake,” he said, “are you pressed for time today?”
“Not really.”
“We have one more meeting. The guy is due in ten minutes. Wanna stay?”
“Sure.”
James sat back down. “He seemed promising. Wouldn’t it be a piece of luck if we could
finish this up today?”
A few minutes later, James was first to see the next appointment appear on the escalator.
Squinting across the distance, he said: “He looks younger in person than he does in his
picture.”
David came to his feet and watched him approach. “I hope he’s not anything like those
stuffy banker types I hate.”
“I’ve got a good feel about him,” said Tim. “A lot came through in his letter.”
“I thought so, too,” said James.
The man spotted David’s red shirt, his stature an expression of self-assurance, his coal
black hair clean and swept back, his skin olive, his features distinctly European. He wore
black Armani slacks and a flowing beige silk shirt with raglan sleeves. There was an
inquisitive, playful look in his dark brown eyes.
“No, he doesn’t remind me of any banker I’ve ever known,” David said, ready to extend his
hand as the man neared.
He approached with an upbeat grin. “I’ve counted only one red shirt in this room. You must
be the man I’m looking for. My name is Jorge.”
David smiled and took the man’s hand. “I’m David.” He turned to his right. “That’s Jake,
Tim, and James. Thanks for coming.”
A sparkle alive in his eyes, Jorge nodded at each man. “Thanks for inviting me. After
reading your message in the paper, I had an odd feeling it was written by someone who
already knew me.”
David smiled again and offered him a chair. The five men sat quietly for a moment,
glancing from one to another. David felt good about how things were going; he enjoyed the
company of like-minded men. After exchanging a few comments about downtown traffic
and the weather, David said: “Well Jorge, just guessing, but I’d say there could have been
any number of loves in your life, judging by your dashing appearance.”
Jorge’s laugh came with the same flair as his sense of style. “Only one, my friend, if you’re
referring to someone other than my wife.”
“I am. You’ll have to forgive me for jumping right in. No doubt these other guys are as
anxious to hear about it as I am.”
“No need to apologize. I’m afraid I’ve never had an opportunity to speak openly among
friends. You don’t know how delighted I am.” He paused to glance across a small group of
attentive faces. He began with a sigh. “It lasted only a year and ended not long ago, in
New York, where I lived most of my adult life. He was young, not much older than Tim here.
It was a discreet affair, and quite intense. He was married, but I suppose he shouldn’t have
been. His marriage eroded from the onset and he eventually confessed that he wasn’t
attracted to her, or any woman for that matter. I believe he got married for social and family
reasons.
“During our time together my anxiety increased in proportion to his emotional problems.
His self-control began to deteriorate. Drugs mainly. It seemed my life revolved around
trying to help him. After several months it became obvious he posed a threat to my
marriage.” Jorge paused and stared down at the floor for a moment, as if he were dealing
with a painful memory. “He showed up at my office one day, strung out, wanting money of
course. He knew he could get anything he wanted from me. Until then, my office had been
off limits. I worried my wife would become a victim to all of this. I worried about losing her.
The saddest day in my life was the day I drove him to a hospital in upstate New York. He
died there of a drug overdose just before my wife and I moved to Dallas. Much of it was a
wonderful experience, but it came to a tragic end. I assumed I could never take such risks
again, until I read your ad.”
“Good lord, Jorge,” said David. “Sounds like you went through an ordeal.”
“I did. It was a private clinic. I believed they could help him. I know I’ve spoken casually
about this, but it wasn’t that long ago I couldn’t have. It affected me to the degree my wife
thought I was suffering an emotional breakdown.” He paused and glanced at each of them.
“Other than my long marriage to Michelle, it was the happiest experience of my life. Then
turned into the saddest.”
“That’s tough,” said David. “You’re story reflects reason enough for coming. Seems there’s
no end to frustration for guys like us. That’s why James and I wanted to put this group
together, to deal with that sort of thing. It’s nice to be around men you identify with, and to
acknowledge and explore your sexuality.”
“Truthfully,” said Jorge, “since he was gay it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. It’s
understandable why a gay man would be discouraged being involved with a married man.”
James spoke: “Jorge, sorry you had to go through that. Gracious of you to share it. We
were impressed by your letter. I’m glad we have a chance to get to know you.”
“Tell us more about you, Jorge,” David suggested.
“Of course.” Jorge looked from one man to the next as he spoke, as if he were sizing them
up. “I was born in the US within a year after my parents arrived from Spain. My education
was by the grace of the United States Navy, where I spent six years in the Seals. After
moving to New York, I got into the investment business and over the years have had the
good dumb luck of getting into and out of a few deals at the right time. I brought Michelle to
Dallas, in part, to help forget... ” He paused and smiled without completing the statement.
David smiled with compassion and nodded.
“Thanks for understanding, my friend,” said Jorge.
“You’ve had only one male lover?” David asked.
“There were a few experiences in the Navy, but no others since. I’ve been aware of my
sexuality since I was a boy.”
“Was your lover promiscuous?”
“I know what you’re getting at, and I don’t think he was. Never-the-less, I’ve tested negative
for all STDs since the last time I was intimate with him.”
David scratched his head in thought. “Well Jorge, you’re rich, you’ve been a Navy Seal, you
look like a Spanish count and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re well hung. Think you’d fit in?
We all have flaws.”
Jorge laughed. “Let me assure you—behind this calm façade is a mass of tight nerves.
What you think you see could be deceptive. In truth, I often feel like a small boy hoping
someone will come along and stroke the side of my face.”
David had already received positive signals from James and Tim. He paused for a
moment, thinking about how it felt to be sitting among a small group of men he could relate
to sexually and emotionally. The effect felt warm inside. He looked at Jorge. “When you
join us next Thursday night, you’ll be with men who think the same way you do. A void in
your life will be filled. You’ll feel a sense of relief having friends you can talk to, who
understand and care. Guilt is the price, but past that, the peace of mind is enormous.”
David continued. He described the poker game premise and explained the by-laws, and
he went on to tell him about the others, adding: “Jake came on-board just before you
arrived. He was the fourth. Five is our goal. I’m certain I speak for the others by inviting
you to join us.”
Jorge closed his eyes and drew in a long breath. “I’m honored. It never occurred to me a
group of men would get together like this. I’ll be there Thursday night, ready for the
experience you described. I believe I’ve had a taste of it already.”
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